One Can wonder...

I'm at Maxwell's (a block from UT) at 11:59 EDT April 3, 2007. The shop closes in half an hour. When I got here I immediately noticed the counter girl, Allison. Every time I come here I look forward to talking to her and her ringing me up. I would come up here bfast, lunch and dinner if she was here for every meal. haha, that's a bit overdramatic but I think she's a really pretty girl and we have decent conversations in the minute and a half we actually get to talk. Here's my problem (this is a reoccuring problem, unfortunately): I don't know how to get to know girls (to KNOW them) beyond casual conversation. I am terrible at knowing the signal. I know i've gotten the signal from many different girls before because I have been told by different girls that they gave me the signal. So, i'm just wondering how many girls have actually been interested in me...enough to want to get to know me just outside of friendship or casual conversation (hence the title of this post). What should my next move be? I want to seem casual to her and any girl I like because I don't want to be too clingy or obvious but how do I do that? I think I invited her to the bar I work at (the Distillery) a few times but I have yet to see her there. I can tell she's busy and works here a lot. Most of the time when i'm here, she's here at night...so, that would be hard for her to be here (Maxwell's) and then go to the Distillery.
I felt bad when I first got here today because I totally forgot her name. She remembered my name. Does this mean something? I haven't talked to her or seen her for a month. I've probably talked to her maybe three or four times. She wouldn't think i'm cute, would she? I probably won't take this or any other meetings to the next step. Maybe this is why I'm single and have had only a few relationships longer than a month. I back away from intimacy at all its levels often because i'm a little too frightened of getting rejected. Maybe i'm just a little bitch, to be perfectly honest. What else can I say?
Well, I tend to go for the ones that are out of my league; Or, even worse, I like the ones who have boyfriends. What's gotten to be a trend lately is that I settle for the very first girl who even shows a slight bit of interest in me. I use that girl as my crutch while I pine for a girl that only thinks of me as a friend (if they get to know me). When I first started dating I used to be very particular and move very slowly with the girls I was dating. However, since I haven't dated someone I really, truly care about in a long time I move way too fast with a person I don't even have those kind of feelings for (I apologize if this sentence or two hurts anyone in particular who reads this). The league of girls I have dated has changed a lot too. It's actually kind of sad to think or even talk about. I used to date some pretty hot girls (if I do say so myself). However, recently, like I've said, i've been settling for someone who I only think is cute (but only in that friendship kind of way). First, there was Nathalie, who was just kind of average. But, after high school I dated Jessica twice, whom was ridiculously hot (and still is), but she dumped me twice. Then there was Cassie, very cute, whom I hurt when I cheated on her and then we broke up. Then there was Katie , also pretty cute (until recently when she lost a ton of weight and is pretty ridiculously hot) who I broke up with and then tried to get back together with. After Katie there was Bevin whom is pretty cute, but we broke up a month in. Since then, I've just dated around and not really found someone whom makes me feel special and complete. Of course there's Ashley H., but I've told her how I feel (a triumph) and I think she'll only ever think of me as a good friend.
I know there's someone out there for me...and some day i'll look back on all these notes and thoughts and think how naive I was. I'll probably be pretty happy with someone I truly care about. What will be even more impressive is that i'll probably take that chance to get to know her (that I was talking about) and she'll like me. Are you out there?

National Championship Night...Sans Moi

You'd find this to be blatantly evident, but most self-proclaimed sports nuts might actually want to watch the NCAA Men's Basketball Tourney Final tonight. However, I'm one sports nut who actually could care less. I'm the odd type of sports nut. I go on these binges where I have to watch every and all sporting event and then other times I care could less such as tonight (and throughout most of the tourney). I probably watched a combined half hour of the tourney this year. Other years...when my teams (Duke, my school [Miami]) are in the tourney longer, I probably would be glued to the TV set. This year seemed different. I've had a lot on my mind lately and that has distracted me from...well...being me. I have these last five papers to complete and become a college graduate. This comes after my victory lap in college. My two teachers from fall of senior year will finally be saying "hallelujah". Yes...I said senior year. Two of my papers are still outstanding from Fall of Senior Year. You think you have a lot on your mind? Try living with that in the back of your mind every time you want to have a good time or go out and have a beer. For those of you reading (and i'm assuming there's probably only one person at this point [Elisha]) the stream-of-consciousness will likely be a theme for the rest (however many that may be) of the posts. Anyways, i'm working on the 2nd (and tomorrow night, the 3rd) paper for the current english class i'm taking. Yes, i'm doing exactly (well, not exactly, but close) the same thing I did senior and part of junior year at miami. I give in too easily and give up on these papers so that eventually I turn them in really late. I'm not even sure how my teachers still have the patience and altruism to forgive their lateness but they have so far. I know that this type of behavior cannot continue after I graduate. This is not something I want to continue when I have a deadline at work or bills to pay. Maybe that is why i'm dedicating this last month before my victory lap finally ends to getting my procrastination and life back in order before I go into the real world. I've tried, rather unsuccessfully, the last few weeks to quit drinking altogether until I graduate. As well, i've tried to give up any and all vices diminishing the strides i've made. We'll see how this month goes...