ripples

I don't deal with death well. Normally, I recede into some closed off spot from the world and console myself (maybe for years at a time). Recently, I had to deal with another death. However, the circumstances were a bit precarious. A guy I used to work with died suddenly just hours after I saw him at work. He left behind three children and a lot of loving friends. For some reason this impacted me because I have been dealing with some thoughts that maybe he was going through just moments before he died. He must've had thought the world didn't care about him enough to keep on living. It deeply saddens me to think about that. My housemate told me I shouldn't think about the "what if's", but what if I would've just let him into the bar after close to say goodbye to everyone? What if that would've been enough for him not to hurt himself and take his own life? What if I would've just talked to him more? He always said hi to me. If anything, what can his death me to me and others? I guess it means I shouldn't take life for granted. What if there wasn't a tomorrow? What if this was it? Would I live like I always have been? Would I sleep in and continue my slovenly lifestyle or get up and grasp the world in my palms? R.I.P. N.A.B. I'm sorry if I or nobody was there for you in your darkest hour. God grant you the peace you need in your next life. I can't write anymore about this...