Amongst pain there can also be great joy...

I actually got this title from another blog I was reading about teaching in Korea.... I am back living at home for the time present. There is great pain in me living back at home. Almost as soon as I moved back home Dino (my step-dad) came at me before work (got a job working at Barney's again, sigh :( ) and said that "[he] didn't want me here". I got the job at Barney's after I left my job at Alliance One, Inc., a debt collection agency I worked at for just 2 weeks because I am desperate for money. I will once again be short on paying my bills in full this month (as I was last month and had to borrow $280 from a close friend of mine). I wish I could say that I believe in the title of this journal.

I've been struggling with stress lately and mental health lately. I don't know how my mom managed to live like she has for so long without breaking down. Honestly, I think i've genetically inherited her tendencies towards not being able to cope with stress well and a predisposition towards mental problems. Ever since I lost my job at David Swesey Florist (well, way before that, but more recently) I have been unable to deal with the stressors of my daily life. I feel the tension well up in my stomach and the acid eating away at my stomach lining. It's only a matter of time before I develop ulcers. I get short on breathing and multiple times (just in the last 2 months) I've felt panic attacks come upon me. Let me give you a demonstration on how intense and often I get these symtoms...when I go home tonight, just the anxiety from having to possibly see my step-father will make me anxious and the feeling in my gut will start up. If I go downstairs to watch television, I have stress that at any moment he will come downstairs and begin a tirade or say that I need to move out shortly. I got stress earlier when my laptop wouldn't start up 3 times in a row when I rebooted it because I felt like I was losing my only outlet to the outside world and my way to cope with all that I have been feeling. I got stress when I found out that I was working only 3 nights (yeah, that's right i'm working third shift and HATE it!) next week (because I need the money) although i'm the one who requested that I only work 3 shifts to start.
In fact, this is the first time in awhile that i've let my guard down enough to talk about everything that i've been feeling. But, let me not fool myself into thinking that i'm actually talking about my problems. There is no shrink in front of me taking notes about what i'm saying and then diagnosing me with severe anxiety disorder. There isn't a wandering ear and calming voice to downplay my problems. The only outlet i'm venting to is a blog no one reads on a computer that might not power up again after I shut this off. Maybe i'm being too dramatic but I need a BIG change in my life now. Wow, there is so much to talk about but i'll try to do more blogging so that I can let more out about my feelings...

Shawn