this is the post i've been meaning to write for awhile...

I believe the title explains it all. I'm not sure where I even want to start. I guess i'll just start free-flow writing and go from there (although this ping on my computer is driving me nuts). My 26th birthday is less than a month away. And, although I should be ecstatic about being on my own again and having more freedom, there is little to cheer about. I lost ('gave away' would be a better definition) my job at David Swesey Florist over 3 and a half weeks ago. With that said, I have had to have my parents financially bail me out as usual (which has been the norm for over 2 years now). I find myself constantly thinking about what went wrong and why I am continually unhappy. I've literally tried all I physically, financially, and mentally can do to make myself happier but to no avail. My friends, facebook buddies and literally anyone I meet seems to be doing better than me and it continually makes me feel worse and worse. Why can't I get a good job like so many others? I feel like (as Allen put it) "this is [my] cross to bear..." meaning being unhappy, lonely, unsuccessful at so many endeavors I put my mind to. And, no matter what jobs I get, they don't come close to filling the void that is left in my heart and in my life. Citibank, the student loan corporation I borrowed my student loans through calls me literally twice a day, everyday, including Sunday. I already have $1,300 outstanding after my 2nd Forbearance ended in May of this year. There doesn't seem to be a way out of this predicament. Of course, my parents want me to declare bankruptcy in the hope that my debts will be wiped clean. However, I found out that none of my student loans will disappear, rather bankruptcy takes care of old debt. I'm wondering if my $11,000 in credit card debt would be wiped clean even. Right now, as it stands, I have 0.15 cents in my checking. 15 cents? Can you believe that? There is no contingency plan. I've exhausted every outlet possible. I have no savings, a few $50 savings bonds that might have matured, and no one to help me right now except for my parents. Even they have said that they won't pay my student loans. I believe that a far worse problem will arise if this goes much past September...they will cut me off for good. There is only so much love and patience even our parents can deal with us. I'll always be a son to my mom and step-father, but there is no leniency left when it comes to the headache I have caused them. As they have told me, I am making their lives harder, especially at a time when they want to take more vacations, concentrate on my 11 year old half brother Zachary and focus their savings and investments into retirement. For as many squabbles as I've had with them over everything you can think of...they are right thinking that this should no longer be their problem. I am a grown man now, some time removed from adolescence and infancy, yet I cannot solve or counter the problems of adulthood without their help. What is wrong with me?
All of this writing was supposed to lead to me talking about happier memories I had when I was a kid...such as flying with my Uncle Mark over Cedar Point in a little cessna (or warrior); taking trips up to Dino (my step-dad)'s property and camping overnight; living at Lake View Shores apartments...and, literally, just the non-existence of worries that I have now. But, the more I think, the more I concede that these aren't going to negate the problems I have, even reminiscing about them. No redo button in life...no game over, start again button. this pain is so real its almost surreal. I never realized the pain I could inflict upon myself and others. My selfish choices have all led me to this point. These choices have cost me friends (who won't even read this), loved ones, job associates, financially security, my own freedom, my parent's love, and most unassuringly, any love I have for myself. I hate everything about myself.
I wake up everyday, sometimes 1 or 2 in the afternoon and lay in bed...sometimes trying to go back to sleep...sometimes crying, sometimes wishing for a miracle to happen, even wishing for it all to end. I could never hurt or kill myself, but i wish someone else would to take away all the sadness and hopelessness this life has brought to me. I want a big change to happen. I realize that i'm not going to make it happen now, in this life, or with this mentality. I need a change of scenery; a change of attitude. No big corporation is going to hire me now, as I am, as I will be, even if I really put some big effort forth. The military seems to be my only possible choice, at this point. I'm hoping it will instill the discipline, courage, mental fortitude, desire, honor, etc...that I so desperately lack. I don't want to come back here, maybe except to visit once in a great while. I want to hit the delete key...although I know there can never be one. I've thought about after the military either coming back to school here in the states (probably not Ohio) and going to law school, then going to Europe/Asia to practice International Business Law or Africa/3rd-world countries and doing pro-bono work for people whom have no rights whatsoever. Whatever the case may be I want to really make a difference. I want to go down somewhere in the history books...that in the face of adversity, I still tried to do something that was right; that despite my own mental anguish, personal demons I would fight for someone else. It's now been an hour since I began this and I am beginning to feel sick to my stomach. I haven't eaten at all today. This day began much like the others...and again I feel no hope for its existence. Maybe someone will read this and realize the extent of my problems. I'm just throwing a life line out there. Maybe the truth out of this whole message is that those that help themselves is the best form of help...

new place...same confusion

A little update on my life. I've moved into a new apartment with Allen whom I worked with at the distillery last year. He's a pretty cool guy and so far things are good. It's a pretty good and inexpensive living situation which will be beneficial for me this summer. However, I still am overcoming the same obstacles I have been since officially receiving my diploma in December. I'm stuck working for below median income levels. I have no insurance to speak of and my tauras officially is going to shit very quickly. Along with that, my friendships have wained considerably. I don't feel the same connection I had with them for most of high school, during college, and then after. I believe they've changed and so have I. I don't have the same priorities I once did. While Allen has droves of friends here every day, besides Charlie helping me move my box spring I haven't had a single friend or parent come over to see my new digs. The real purpose of my writing today is perhaps a final declaration for my imminent future. I believe that beyond working for the USPS or the TFD, my only option at this point is to go into the Marines. I've not said much to anyone really, except a few months ago when I sincerely thought I was going for sure. Now, it's looking all but inevitable. I'm working for 8.50 an hour now 6 days a week at a florist. However, my student loans are going in repayment again and there's absolutely no way I can pay for them making what I am now. Plus, there's the added problem of having no insurance or putting any money away for retirement. I'm kind of stuck in a bind. Maybe this is a solution for many problems. I know I need to get out of this environment and begin anew...

updates...feeling better about some things

Hey, just wanted to give a little bit of an update for anyone who actually reads this, which is probably 0.5 people. 0.5? well, because I'm probably the only person who actually re-re-reads his own posts several times because it makes him laugh and cringe. I'm taking the Toledo Firefighter exam April 29th at the Seagate Centre. Also I'm filling out an application and putting my resume on the U.S. Border Patrol and Customs website. They are recruiting around Ohio and here in Toledo this Saturday. I'm certain one of these two options will work out well for me. If not, I can fall back on the Marine Corps, as I had originally intended when I went to MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Service center) in December (4 days before Xmas) for the Marine Officer program. As I had stated several times in the past, even I had definitely decided to do the Marines I wouldn't be shipping out to TBS (The Basic School) until sometime in June. I know that date is approaching quick that is why i'm hopeful one of these opportunities comes to fruition instead. It is a scary thought to think that sometime next year at this time I could be across the pond in the Middle East doing some midnight patrol on foreign soil wondering when it could be my time. I guess it beats wondering when the bank and/or Citibank (student loans) is going to come down on me and then my parents for not being able to pay off my debt to them. By the way, I went out with Tracey, Cray, Rehkopf and Steve (he doesn't get called by his last name because I don't know it, haha) last Saturday to Liquid Ultra Lounge (formerly Club Emporium [owned supposedly by a relative of the Murawski's] and we had a great night. We got to take a limousine ride from T-money and Crawdaddy's house to the club and back. Met some hot ladies, danced with a really hot shortie (who asked for my number) and mingled. Only down point is in the commotion when we were running over to Club Eclipse to see if it was jumping I twisted and sprained my ankle. Still kind of hurts, but i'll get through it i'm sure before I have to do anything physically related for the testing for the TFD/Border Patrol/USMC. Thanks T-Money for taking off running. Another brilliant idea you had when you were drunk!

Reconciling my thoughts and feelings about the past 2 years

It really has been an interesting run...2 years have nearly passed since I left college (Miami University of OH) and...it has all led to nowhere. Literally. I haven't done anything with my life since then. I haven't gone to law school like I had planned during senior year (even after taking the LSAT's). I am not a professional businessman either. In fact, right now I am working 2 part time jobs for near-minimum wages. If someone were keeping tally, 'yes, that would be less than I was making nearly all throughout college.' I am so perturbed by this that instead of doing work at my 3rd shift job I am typing this post condoning my behavior and actions. I really hate what I do for a living right now. Probably even worse, I haven't really done anything about it. I have laterally moved from job to bad job to worse job since I pseudo-graduated from Miami in May of '06. How did I know this was in my imminent future? While my friends are preparing for their mid-20's with engagements, promotions, children, homes and vacations, I am preparing for living week to week with my pitiful paychecks, an unsteady dating life, binge drinking on the weekends, promiscuity, unhealthy friendships, and the constant reminder that I still live at home. Don't misunderstand me, however. At one point last year I had, indeed, declared my independence when I moved out of my home of 10+ years and moved in with an unstable woman and her quiet housemate. But, as noted, I moved back home after 5 months after realizing that my unsteady paychecks from the bar would not suffice it when it came time to pay my student loans back. That, and the fact that my psycho homeowner/housemate (I'll just call her "C") accused my friend of 'purposely' letting her dogs of their cages and out of the house.
But, all ranting aside, I've come to the realization that vicariously living some life through someone's successes will not bring me happiness. The best my parents think I can do now is manage some bass pro shop as witnessed by the enthusiasm they embued me to apply there. I know I can do better. That's not the happiness or the contentment I'm looking for. In fact, each passing day, I realize that if I don't do something quick to find the happiness in life that seems so elusive to me now, one day I could just lose it and do something horrible. Maybe worse, I might become some 50-year old man who lives in an 1 bedroom apt who laments about all the 'what-if's' in his life. I know I can become successful, contented, happy, a good husband, father, etc...but, first I need to figure out how to become that such person. With everyone's advice, I feel like i'm forgetting what I really want to be, who i want to become. In 2 years it's gotten easy to do that...

An Excerpt from "How Tucker Max has affected me...Part I"

If you don't know who Tucker Max is...then, shame on you, jk. I actually received a book from a young lady (no names mentioned here for reasons I don't wish to talk about) about Tucker Max and his exploits entitled I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Now, i've only read about 20 or so pages in this interesting 1st person narration of his life but I must say that it has inspired me to talk about my own interesting, yet grotesquely immature and sophomoric exploits and debauchery. While sitting in my bed last night and again sitting in possibly my last college class, I had the notion to write about all the incredibly raucous and hilarious moments in my 5 years of college (yeah victory lap!!!) So, without much further ado, here I go (please bear with me...this could be a long one).
How does one come to terms with the type of person they were before college when that person was so much more conservative, well-rounded, and as my cousin put it at my great-grandmother's funeral "An All-American Guy"? I'm not really sure what happened to that wholesome (some would put it this way, maybe not me) kid from St. John's High School? The same kid who got asked out by his first girlfriend and wouldn't even kiss her for the first 3 months they dated?
I guess it goes all the way back to that point when I had my first girlfriend.... For privacy issues, i'll call my first girlfriend Nicki. Nicki was a very different girlfriend from any girlfriends i've had since her. She was incredibly skinny (to the point that many including her parents thought she had an eating disorder), had weird eating habits (putting 30 or so packets of sweet n low in her ice tea, which she had to have every time we went out), and obsessively worked out at 5:00 A.M. every morning before school...yeah, I would say she had an eating problem. Anyways, before I continue on, I must inform my readership that before I started dating Nicki I committed an atrocious fallacy. I lied. And it wasn't just one of those white lies about how many girlfriends I had before her, or how many girls I had kissed, but one of those ginormous, kick-you-in-the-face lies that can really hurt someone (although, in retrospect most of the people I told didn't think it was that big of a deal).
I met Nicki, for the first time, at St. John's first dance of my junior year of high school. However, I wasn't enrolled at St. John's. In fact, I was there with some of my friends who I had previously gone to school with, but now enrolled in the local public high school. When I danced with Nicki, however, I was so transfixed with her (that any girl would want to dance with me) that I told her I went there (or let her think that I was still going to school at St. John's). She asked for my number and I gave it to her. That might have been for nought if I didn't think she would call. In fact, she did call. And called for many days afterward.
It soon became apparent that we were dating and I would have to tell her the truth. I was a little bitch back then and decided to use my fake identity instead of telling her the truth. "So, big deal," I thought, "I'll be back at St. John's next year anyways and she'll never even know." However, things don't always work out like they do in your head. By the time we had been dating for 2 or 3 months it was becoming increasingly harder to fake my identity. When I would go out with her and my friend(s), I would have to tell them in advance not to mention high school, in any regard, because she would get suspicious of me. At a rather unsuspecting time of what I will continually reference as a "Winny" moment I had to do the aformentioned thing on a larger scale. Nicki and I were at dinner prior to the all-girls academy Christmas Dance. When I noticed that an increasingly large group of St. John's guys from my class had congregated in the front lobby I decided to act fast. I told them all (including 2 brothers who were good friends with my girlfriend) to act as if I was still going to St. John's that year and to act like nothing was out of the ordinary. In retrospect, if I had just shut my mouth and not said anything that night would've been fine (i'm sure) and later Nicki would've never found out the truth. But, the truth inevitably comes out no matter how hard you try to conceal it.

embrace me, erase me...

Do I deserve everything that has happened to me? The more I try to change my life and make things better, the worse off I get. Unemployed for 3 and a half weeks now. Can't find a job. Burned all my bridges that would've allowed me to have a new job by now. No one will want to hire me and take a chance. Why is my personality so conflicting with everyone else I know? Why is it that I can't get along with people? Working on my last paper. Midway through. The end is in sight, yet I still feel some giant hurdles in front of me. My friendships are shabby and unstable. It's all one-sided from them, as I struggle to keep my part of that deal. Lost so many friends and loved ones. Emily is gone, as is Elisha. Laura dumped me as did Jessica. I got rid of Katie, Elisha and Nathalie. Now, all I can think about is what if I made the wrong choices? I'm so alone right now. I have two great girls who care about me a lot. They tell me i'm never by myself. I'm afraid i'll push them away; or worse, they'll see how little I care about myself and realize that i'll never be able to give them the love back that they have given for me. They give so much of themselves. So does Chris, Charlie and Brandon. I've neglected that. I won't realize what I had until it's gone. It's not far off. I can see the end now. It's not like the fairytale dreams and fantasies you hear about when you're a kid or read about in some book. The end is some poor misbegotten soul who got lost on his trip to the grocery store. It's an everyman, Joe Somebody who doesn't understand that redemption is a telephone call away. Ask for help. I don't know how to ask. I had some dime store priest offer me Jesus as my savior in the parking lot of Kroger's today, with his little girl asking me to pray with her. Even at my nadir, I couldn't muster enough courage or strength to save my own soul...i'm an everyman who has failed...and miserably at that. Rock bottom is approaching.

ripples

I don't deal with death well. Normally, I recede into some closed off spot from the world and console myself (maybe for years at a time). Recently, I had to deal with another death. However, the circumstances were a bit precarious. A guy I used to work with died suddenly just hours after I saw him at work. He left behind three children and a lot of loving friends. For some reason this impacted me because I have been dealing with some thoughts that maybe he was going through just moments before he died. He must've had thought the world didn't care about him enough to keep on living. It deeply saddens me to think about that. My housemate told me I shouldn't think about the "what if's", but what if I would've just let him into the bar after close to say goodbye to everyone? What if that would've been enough for him not to hurt himself and take his own life? What if I would've just talked to him more? He always said hi to me. If anything, what can his death me to me and others? I guess it means I shouldn't take life for granted. What if there wasn't a tomorrow? What if this was it? Would I live like I always have been? Would I sleep in and continue my slovenly lifestyle or get up and grasp the world in my palms? R.I.P. N.A.B. I'm sorry if I or nobody was there for you in your darkest hour. God grant you the peace you need in your next life. I can't write anymore about this...