Happy 39th??

My last official post on here was over 12 years ago. I don't know why I'm even on here writing except that I've been dealing with a lot of stress lately. Today's post also happens to be on my 39th Birthday. If I continue this trend, I'll post again on here when I'm 51 (what?!?!?). My last post was before I met my ex Sara. Yeesh. It's been a long, long time. I still have a written journal. I haven't written in that either in over a year. How do I even recap 12 years worth of events? Very rhetorical because there is no possible way. The ex I mentioned, her name is Sara Yahl.We dated for 3 years and she was the woman I was closest to marrying. However, after a year and a half together, she moved back to St. Mary's, Ohio and then Columbus, Ohio. Doing a year and a half long distance pretty much ruined any chance of lasting success. I dated a smattering of women throughout the years after her. In 2016, I met a woman, Alana Geldien. That was when I was going through another tough period in my life and she became a friend and then a girlfriend. However, I never really felt liked I loved her loved her, the way I loved Sara. We dated on and off til fall 2018. However, we continued to 'hang' out for almost 2 years after we broke up. It was ill-advised at the time and still makes me question what I was thinking. During COVID last year, I stopped seeing her completely and then stopped communicating with her. The last communication I had with her was in November 2020. I tried to give her closure, but did so poorly.

I don't really know where I'm going with all this. I'm just using this as a way to get out my pain. I have some HUGE decisions to make quickly. I don't know what's going to happen, but I pray to God, I make the right decisions.

Unorthodox writing for a dire declaration

I would just like to thank anybody whom has perchance come across this blog and found someone whom they can relate to, or anybody, in general, who has even read a single line I have written here. There are singular truths in mindful insight. Individuals, however indifferent, are the impetus for my writing. If even one person finds some meaning, a truth, or a nugget of hope, I feel that is cause for celebration and rejoicing. With that said, there isn't a doubt in my mind that if things had gone a little differently I would be writing about something else entirely different, something more meaningful, something truer to myself, whom I am, what makes me whole but I can't write that. I can't hide the emotions, anymore, welling up inside me.

Working 3 PT jobs, watching myself drink without reason, partying without happiness, failing miserably at even managing my own life, while trying to adjust myself to an uncertain future even i'm not hopeful about anymore is creating two halves of my whole self. There are times when I'm out having a good time with my friends and buying rounds I think the worst is behind me or I can forget it and leave the problem to the future Shawn, but lately the other half has been winning-the side that doesn't want to go out and drink, wants to sit at home and mope, that creates controversy where none need exist; further, that shouldn't even be a cause for concern at such an important juncture in my perilious journey that awaits me.

journey (n.)

1.	a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time; trip: a six-day journey across the desert.

2.	a distance, course, or area traveled or suitable for traveling: a desert journey.

3.	a period of travel: a week's journey.

4.	passage or progress from one stage to another: the journey to success.

maybe journey can mean something else entirely different when used to describe me. Without going anywhere i've managed to somehow disconnect with the world around me and find myself living without hope or purpose, dutifully trying to posit my existence in this realm and somehow meticulously claiming a stake in a future yet-to-be-determined period of fulfillment. In lamen terms, i'm just going through life without living it.

Here I am, literally, in my parents house. 26 going on 27, going on 40, single, going on eternally single, a lifelong bachelor--unfulfilled, a sarcastic comment at every turn, a quip for every truthful opinion (honest, but stinging). I'm hurting. There are no rhymes or reason for my story.

The story unfolds-I've hit the climax.

Climax: the high point in the story - the turning point where the conflict comes to a head and is decided for one side or the other- usually the most exciting point in the story

The truth is...it wasn't always like this. It never had to be like this. Fleshing myself out for would-be critics and prophetics. Cynics whom told me I would never amount to much have finally had their day. Every dog does. Roberta Fleck take me home. What are you doing to me 'softly?'

It'll all hit home in just a few more days. The debt, the unpaid bills, the screaming and shouting, figuring out i'll definitely have no more home by the end of this equinox...Still can't get it through this thick skull of mine. Gotta try to be the smartass everybody's gotta love. Gotta be the player, the butt of jokes to fit in. I never really fit in, I just made myself a seat at the table.

The door closes...when do we get to see the ending and the falling action of the play? Stay Tuned until the next chapter

What's Happening Next??

As it turned out, neither of the jobs I had thought I was going to get are going to happen. As I type I'm supposed to be headed to Troy, Michigan to spend the night at the Troy Courtyard hotel. Why? you ask. Well, i'm scheduled to take the AFOQT in the morning at the Detroit MEPS. However, recent developments have caused me to rethink my strategy regarding the service. I had planned to attempt in go in as a 2nd lieutenant in the Air Force sometime soon. However, after meeting with the Officer recruiter Sgt. Hessler a few weeks ago in Michigan I found out that the process would really take until September '09. Even if I were to go in enlisted side as an E-3 I wouldn't realistically be expected to leave until March '09. That's a pretty long time for a guy who can barely afford his mastercard bill for this month, even still while living at home and having basically every amenity paid for.
The other job I was expecting to be offered is no longer really even a possibility. When I found out 4-5 weeks ago that Jason from the ESL school in South Korea was hiring, I immediately jumped at the opportunity to get out of my home, out of Toledo, and to do something that may eventually become my profession. However, after the dramatic decline of the SK Won, my friend Jasmin leaving the school that she was trying to get me into, and my own dwindling funds, it seems destined that I will not in fact go abroad in the teaching capacity. That card, dear friends, may be reserved for the service...

I am going to revisit the Army (I believe) with the intention of going in as a 2nd lieutenant. While I backed out in July going the enlisted side, there's a good chance that I will go this route instead. They have the funds to persuade me to go and the time schedule is far shorter for officers than it is for the Air Force. I spoke to a recruiter up at the Jackman recruiting office last week and he said that hypothetically if I started the process now I could leaving for basic around January 15th. That's a huge time difference than the September '09 schedule I was given with the Air Force.

While the Anderson's job turned out to be the wrong path for me (even though it was seasonal) I am still employed at Speedway part time. I am also still employed by Senior Helpers and I have gotten another part time job (dun dun dun) delivering flowers, this time for Hafner florist. However, it's only a matter of time before the florist job runs out of work for me (only 17 days til Christmas) and I am once again scrambling for work. I have resumes out to nearly all the big employers in Toledo, have my resume still on monster and am awaiting a decision from Alltel about another class of Customer Service reps in January. I could also pick up another packet from Toledo Public Schools at the Thurgood Marshall building and substitute teach for the time being (although Chrismas break is coming up shortly). It's a sad situation that's boiling down to how long will my parents handle take my shit and how long before I realize that the service is really my only viable option, at this point.

Maybe if I would've taken the post working for the Obama campaign in October and November in Harrisburgh, I might've gotten picked up through the President-Elect's time waiting until January 20th when he becomes our nation's next president but I can't think like that now. That was a big risk and if the job didn't work out I could be at home now without a job, on the street homeless, living in Kentucky with my aunt working a job I know I won't like, or already in the service doing a job i'm not sure about because I had to pick anything and go.

I hope I won't be rushed like that like I was in July and August. If I do go the Officer route in the Army I would accept any post they give me because the pay would be substantially better, however going enlisted, i'm not going to be bullied into something I don't want to do or know nothing about just because I need the money. I'm still wondering if there are better jobs out there for me, but i'm not holding my breath. I've basically talked myself out of doing the Marines, Air Force, and Navy. There's really only the Army and Coast Guard now. Well, there's a good job here in Toledo, Ohio, or someplace in the midwest, but if that were the true case I would be doing that already...damn the economy. damn my procrastication.

know thy boundaries & cherished people

I forget how blunt and opinionated I am--sometimes even to a fault. It has cost me countless jobs, friendships, good, stable working relationships. It's a part of who I am , why i'm so charismatic about so many causes, yet it also becomes my downfall. A quote I often think of is "what nourishes me also destroys me". I need to learn to bring it down a notch. I can't always say what is on my mind even when I think it's important to talk about it. I guess there is, indeed, a right and wrong time to discuss things. I was thinking about going into detail about a certain example that happened recently but I realize that sometimes these posts can become really lengthy and mundane. With that said, i'm going to bring it down a notch. This will be especially important if I do go into some branch of the service. I will get my ass chewed out, be singled out and alienated, if I choose to talk the shit I do now. Okay, moving on...

I've thought about writing about this for awhile...

while my posts often focus on the negative aspects of my life there are some defining, proud moments in my life. Here are some ppl who have influenced me in ways they cannot even begin to understand...

Father Frances Canfield, my Freshman and Sophomore counselor whom always looked out for me especially when my grades were slipping to the point of failing during my sophomore year of high school. He was my bedrock during high school and a man who has had a firm grasp on who I am today. I haven't seen him but a few times since high school and he has since retired to the Jesuit retirement home in the Detroit area.

Chris Tracey, a friend for life, whom continues to be a source of strength in these difficult and turbulent times for me. He imbues me with confidence and wisdom and my only wish is to emulate his pious life and find the same semblance of a life he has had.

Mr. Richards, he might not it, but he conditioned me to understand my spirituality during my senior year and understand the greater lessons life has to teach us. He listened to me as I cried during my senior Kairos about the tenuous relationship I have with my step-father and the fight we had in my bedroom just a few days before Kairos retreat in Canada.

Ron Young, a great friend from my youth, we share a familial relationship because of his grandmother and her daughter. When I was growing up I was at his grandma's all the time while my mother was working. His family has brought me up like one of their own. It has hurt me to see the disease that has taken his life. Being bi-polar, Ron still appears like himself, yet the mental faculties that at once made him a fun guy to hang around with now seperate us because he cannot trust anyone including his close family. I will never abandon our friendship, however.

I will write about some more people whom have influenced me another time.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

~Shawn

things on my mind...

There's been a lot going through my head lately not just about work, money, and all the things that make my life super complicated. Namely I've been thinking about my relationship with God, my parents, my friends, and lack of relationships with women. All of these things are troubling me very much. They are literally why I am as strong as I am but they are also my downfall and complicating features to an otherwise mundane life.

First, I would just like to say that God and I have had many awe-inspiring, world changing times together. There were times when I couldn't feel closer to him. Lately, However, my faith has been waning. I feel drained all the time and feel spiritually empty. I feel like I ask for his strength to carry me through the tough times and no one answers my prayers. I go to St. Joseph's in Maumee and pray by myself for a half or so a few times a week over the past couple of months...just silent prayer between me and God. There are some things I believed he has answered my prayers about, namely getting offered a position to work on the presidential campaign, getting out of Barney's, and getting to work at Anderson's again, but its not helping as much as I thought it would. There's still some distance between him and I and it hurts me on a deeper level not to be close to him.

The closest I've felt in years to him was during the summer when I was playing softball. The coach of the team, Tim Hearns and his wife Jody, brought something out of me that I didn't think was there anymore...hope. All the times they took me to softball games and practice while I was unemployed was definitely a liberating, faith-inspired point for me. They took me in as one of their own children and I felt tremendous love and faith in something higher when I was around them.

I could dedicate an entire blog just to my parents alone. I know all children have certain issues with their parents and mine are no exception. I love them dearly and all the things they have had to put with me is certainly taken a great deal of strength and love on their behalf. However, I can see that my being home again and still without some kind of career direction has put a strain on their relationship with each other and their relationship with me, their son. I feel it tearing me apart.

My friends continue to be my bedrock and my sole means, currently, to find some sanity in this otherwise crazy and lonely time. They pick me up when i'm feeling blue and I try to return the favor constantly. There exists a division, however, between how things should be with them, and how they actually are. I don't feel like I fit in as much anymore. I feel like i'm the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I love my friends like they are my own family, but in that thought, there exists a problem much like I have with my parents. I feel like my problems have come between me having meaningful relationships with these guys anymore.

Finally, to wrap up quickly, my lack of relationships with women is a very big concern for me (and maybe others). I don't know why I haven't had a stable relationship in a really long time. Maybe I'm just still too messed up from some of my more meaningful relationships that got torn apart to move ahead with my life. I don't think that's it, though. Many girls I have tried to date have told me that i'm not ready to be with someone and/or I don't really want a relationship. Some part of me still thinks that way but as I continue to navigate my 26th year of life, I realize that I want someone to come home to and have them tell me things are gonna be okay. I want someone I can share my life with. I'm just not sure right now that there is anyone patient or understanding enough to deal with all the problems I have and their own.

If only I hadn't accrued so much debt, picked a major I could get a good job with, become more stable, and moved back and forth between home so many times.... Maybe the solution itself is that I won't find any peace or be able to be with anyone until I make a decision that will affect me for many years to come. Honestly, I doubt that I will find a job that can sustain and fulfill me if I haven't found it 2.5 years after leaving Miami. Even i'm not that gullible anymore.

~Shawn

decision still pending...

Okay, so here's the deal...in about 6 weeks or so, I will be in the midst of a big change in my life. Even as I type this there things in motion that will determine where I am and what I am doing in these next 6 weeks. For those that haven't been kept up to date in my life happenings, I am going on to my 4th and 5th jobs (respectively, as of this week) in the last 3 and a half months. In the past year alone, from January til May I worked at Barney's (3rd shift on Weekends) and worked sparingly at David Swesey Florist. Then in May and June I worked full time until I was laid off because the manager, David Swesey had to make a decision when I told him that I was going into the service. However, after several attempts at going enlisted into the Marines and then the Army I stopped short of signing the contract at MEPS for the Army and swearing in and backed out. I was unemployed from the end of June until the beginning of August when I thought I landed an awesome job at AllianceOne, Inc. as a quote, unquote 'Receivables Management Specialist' which is just a bullshit title for a debt collector. During this period I started receiving daily reminders that my student loans were in repayment from Citibank Student Loan 'specialists'. That is when I gave serious consideration about going enlisted in the Army, even taking a day off to go to MEPS when I actually had a signed contract in my hands, but decided that the job they are giving me wasn't what I really wanted to do. After 2 weeks at AllianceOne, I told them I was getting ready to leave for the service (which was only partly true), so I just straight up quit, without giving them so much as a day's notice. I told everyone including my roommate, parents, and friends that they laid me off because I wasn't meeting my sales quota, but that wasn't even remotely close to the truth because I was in my last day of training at AllianceOne when I decided that I didn't really want to call people all day and harp them about their debts when I had a serious outstanding debt with my student loans. Oh, before I forget, a few weeks before I got the job at AllianceOne and when I was considering going into the Army (because they were willing to pay off my student loans) my Aunt Mindy came to her cousin Mary Schaub-Fern's funeral in Toledo. While she was there she was trying to convince me to come live with her and work at her company Sallie Mae, which was based out of Northern Kentucky. Mindy's job (as she eloquently bragged about) at Sallie Mae was to wrangle payments out of people no matter 'what rock or hole they were hiding under'. She was doing exactly what I would go on to do some weeks later at AllianceOne and she wanted me to do that too. I'm sorry, but if I did take that job and then it didn't work out like it did at AllianceOne and I had to move back home to Toledo, then that would've put a really hard strain on the relationship I have with my aunt. In retrospect, it may or may not have worked out because the job that she has would've been in stark contrast to what my job would've been (or at least in a different department). She called a few weeks ago to ask if I still wanted to come down to live with her (she lives by herself) and that a new class was beginning at her company. Maybe there is good money to be had, but am I the type of person who wants to hound people for money they don't have in this current recession.

After the job at the Florist as a driver and the job at AllianceOne as a debt collector fell through, I made as many phone calls as I could and applied at as many places as I could to get a job. I finally got through late one afternoon to the woman whom originally hired me at Barney's. She offered to start me immediately on 3rds at a Rossford store for minimum, plus a $1 wage increase for working nights. I started working thirds there and immediately hated it. Along with the woman whom trained me, I just flat out hated working 3rds most of the time, and especially the work I was doing for so little. After about 5 or 6 weeks there, I got hired at Speedway/SuperAmerica to do the exact same job for a little bit better pay and on first shifts. At about the same time I was working my last few shifts at Barney's my cousin Chris Geiser called me and offered a position through him to work on Barack Obama's campaign near Philadelphia in Harrisburgh, Pennsylvania. At first I couldn't be more ecstatic. However, after some thought and running the financial numbers I realized that it might not be very smart for me to quit my job at either Barney's or Speedway without having a job to come back too.

I didn't realize it til about that point but I was coming increasingly close to defaulting on my student loans. At 150 days my student loan company was threatening to file a suit against myself and my step-father in an attempt to get their money from me and him. When I found out about the job working on the campaign, I was somewhere in the neighborhood of 120-130 days delinquent. While they were willling to pay me better than what either Barney's or Speedway was willing to pay it was a risk I couldn't take...especially knowing my parents and how reluctant they seem to give any more money to me, at this point. So...to get this journal moving along, I didn't take the job working on Barack Obama's (now our President-Elect) campaign as a GOTV (Get Out the Vote) organizer, even with a purposed contribution of $500 from my cousin.

It was a decision i'm likely to come to regret, but I can't think like that all the time. Instead, I started working 1sts at Speedway (and after 5 weeks, am still currently hired there). A week or so ago, my old neighbor's son, Nathan (also a S.J. grad) told me about a job with the Anderson's that he turned down, when he stopped into Speedway. I called and immediately could tell that the boss, whom would eventually hire me, really liked what I had to say. He could tell I was hard-working, determined, and really needed the work. So, to cut the story short, I got hired and am slated to begin tonight (on 3rds, sigh :( ). It's much better money than I was making (11.00 an hour vs. 7.50 an hour) and I get weekend nights off (even better, haha). However, a good or bad side (depends on how someone sees it) is that the job is only seasonal and will only last until the beginning or middle of January (depending on snowfall, sales, and other conditions--economy, price, etc.)

I also got a job a few weeks ago with Senior Helpers, LLC. I am not sure when I will start this job, but it is very flexible and it appears that I will be able to work as many or as few shifts as I choose. The job consists of me going to older people's homes and doing some sort of activity with them--be it going to get groceries, running them to the post office, playing poker or shooting pool with them, etc...and the shifts are usually only 3-4 hours at a time. Having said this, there will not be a lot of free time in my schedule. In fact, I may give up my current job at Speedway because I believe that my boss will be hesitant to cut me back to 1 or 2 shifts a week and he may even cut my pay. Again, I got the job through some friends. My good friend Mike's mom called me some 3-4 weeks ago and said I should apply there. Her son's godmother, Joyce, runs the program along with the owner, Bob Hoorman. I turned in some paperwork yesterday to Bob and it appears i'll be starting shortly. Mike's mom even called me yesterday to let me know that I may in fact be running some sort of Nintendo Wii bowling tournament with some seniors. We'll see how that goes.

With all of this said...the decision that is pending is in fact a long term decision that must be made in the next few weeks but will not take effect until at least the beginning of the new year. I am currently sitting on an offer to become an ESL (English as a Second Language) Teacher in South Korea. YES, I said South Korea. It is an important decision which I'm not taking lightly. Also on my plate, is an opportunity with the United States Air Force. I am in the Officer Selection Process right now. I would become a 2nd lieutenant upon my commissioning ceremony, however I wouldn't leave until next September (2009). Additionally, I still have to take the AFOQT to determine if I am even qualified to become an officer. I need to decide real quick what I am going to do. I have already sat on the ESL position for almost 2 weeks and I'm sure Jason (boss at the school in SK) is getting antsy. The job is a 1-year contract at 2.2 Million Won. Now, that may seem like a lot (and it would be if this were a year or 2 ago) but the problem is that the international markets are fluctuating so much right now that its impossible to tell if I will be making around 2,000 a month or 1,500 a month. The Officer job seems like the more prudent and secure job to take. I am leaning towards that route, however, I may just go the enlisted side. I don't know if I have the resources, the finances, or the patience to wait until next September. If that's the case, there may be the possibility that I look again at the Army. They have boards every month (which was my understanding) and they might be able to pay more (pay off all of my student loans) and get me into the Officer school much quicker than the Air Force. If money weren't a factor, I would probably either go teach abroad for a year or still go in the Air Force, enlisted or Officer. There's always the possibility that I just say screw the money and time it will take to become an officer in the Air Force and go straight enlist in the Air Force. After a year I can apply for the Officer commission while i'm active.

These are just my thoughts and random musings about the stuff in my life. Keep me in your prayers that things start turning a corner. Since I moved out of my friend Allen's apartment on the first of September, things with my parents have been very hostile and continue to stay stagnant. Bless all of you.

~Shawn

Amongst pain there can also be great joy...

I actually got this title from another blog I was reading about teaching in Korea.... I am back living at home for the time present. There is great pain in me living back at home. Almost as soon as I moved back home Dino (my step-dad) came at me before work (got a job working at Barney's again, sigh :( ) and said that "[he] didn't want me here". I got the job at Barney's after I left my job at Alliance One, Inc., a debt collection agency I worked at for just 2 weeks because I am desperate for money. I will once again be short on paying my bills in full this month (as I was last month and had to borrow $280 from a close friend of mine). I wish I could say that I believe in the title of this journal.

I've been struggling with stress lately and mental health lately. I don't know how my mom managed to live like she has for so long without breaking down. Honestly, I think i've genetically inherited her tendencies towards not being able to cope with stress well and a predisposition towards mental problems. Ever since I lost my job at David Swesey Florist (well, way before that, but more recently) I have been unable to deal with the stressors of my daily life. I feel the tension well up in my stomach and the acid eating away at my stomach lining. It's only a matter of time before I develop ulcers. I get short on breathing and multiple times (just in the last 2 months) I've felt panic attacks come upon me. Let me give you a demonstration on how intense and often I get these symtoms...when I go home tonight, just the anxiety from having to possibly see my step-father will make me anxious and the feeling in my gut will start up. If I go downstairs to watch television, I have stress that at any moment he will come downstairs and begin a tirade or say that I need to move out shortly. I got stress earlier when my laptop wouldn't start up 3 times in a row when I rebooted it because I felt like I was losing my only outlet to the outside world and my way to cope with all that I have been feeling. I got stress when I found out that I was working only 3 nights (yeah, that's right i'm working third shift and HATE it!) next week (because I need the money) although i'm the one who requested that I only work 3 shifts to start.
In fact, this is the first time in awhile that i've let my guard down enough to talk about everything that i've been feeling. But, let me not fool myself into thinking that i'm actually talking about my problems. There is no shrink in front of me taking notes about what i'm saying and then diagnosing me with severe anxiety disorder. There isn't a wandering ear and calming voice to downplay my problems. The only outlet i'm venting to is a blog no one reads on a computer that might not power up again after I shut this off. Maybe i'm being too dramatic but I need a BIG change in my life now. Wow, there is so much to talk about but i'll try to do more blogging so that I can let more out about my feelings...

Shawn