There's been a lot going through my head lately not just about work, money, and all the things that make my life super complicated. Namely I've been thinking about my relationship with God, my parents, my friends, and lack of relationships with women. All of these things are troubling me very much. They are literally why I am as strong as I am but they are also my downfall and complicating features to an otherwise mundane life.
First, I would just like to say that God and I have had many awe-inspiring, world changing times together. There were times when I couldn't feel closer to him. Lately, However, my faith has been waning. I feel drained all the time and feel spiritually empty. I feel like I ask for his strength to carry me through the tough times and no one answers my prayers. I go to St. Joseph's in Maumee and pray by myself for a half or so a few times a week over the past couple of months...just silent prayer between me and God. There are some things I believed he has answered my prayers about, namely getting offered a position to work on the presidential campaign, getting out of Barney's, and getting to work at Anderson's again, but its not helping as much as I thought it would. There's still some distance between him and I and it hurts me on a deeper level not to be close to him.
The closest I've felt in years to him was during the summer when I was playing softball. The coach of the team, Tim Hearns and his wife Jody, brought something out of me that I didn't think was there anymore...hope. All the times they took me to softball games and practice while I was unemployed was definitely a liberating, faith-inspired point for me. They took me in as one of their own children and I felt tremendous love and faith in something higher when I was around them.
I could dedicate an entire blog just to my parents alone. I know all children have certain issues with their parents and mine are no exception. I love them dearly and all the things they have had to put with me is certainly taken a great deal of strength and love on their behalf. However, I can see that my being home again and still without some kind of career direction has put a strain on their relationship with each other and their relationship with me, their son. I feel it tearing me apart.
My friends continue to be my bedrock and my sole means, currently, to find some sanity in this otherwise crazy and lonely time. They pick me up when i'm feeling blue and I try to return the favor constantly. There exists a division, however, between how things should be with them, and how they actually are. I don't feel like I fit in as much anymore. I feel like i'm the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I love my friends like they are my own family, but in that thought, there exists a problem much like I have with my parents. I feel like my problems have come between me having meaningful relationships with these guys anymore.
Finally, to wrap up quickly, my lack of relationships with women is a very big concern for me (and maybe others). I don't know why I haven't had a stable relationship in a really long time. Maybe I'm just still too messed up from some of my more meaningful relationships that got torn apart to move ahead with my life. I don't think that's it, though. Many girls I have tried to date have told me that i'm not ready to be with someone and/or I don't really want a relationship. Some part of me still thinks that way but as I continue to navigate my 26th year of life, I realize that I want someone to come home to and have them tell me things are gonna be okay. I want someone I can share my life with. I'm just not sure right now that there is anyone patient or understanding enough to deal with all the problems I have and their own.
If only I hadn't accrued so much debt, picked a major I could get a good job with, become more stable, and moved back and forth between home so many times.... Maybe the solution itself is that I won't find any peace or be able to be with anyone until I make a decision that will affect me for many years to come. Honestly, I doubt that I will find a job that can sustain and fulfill me if I haven't found it 2.5 years after leaving Miami. Even i'm not that gullible anymore.
~Shawn
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2 comments:
WOW!!! Seems like you have a lot on your plate (or not enough depending how you look at it).
Some things to consider if you take up the offer in Korea:
a) even if you may only be making $1500-$2000 you will be able to save a lot of it. Housing in Korea is free (if it's not don't take that contract).
b)The cost of living is considerably lower than living in America. If you are serious about paying off your student loans then you can maintain a pretty tight budget.
c) There are opportunities to make money other ways then just at your current job......I won't go into any detail about this but you can email me if you want to know more.
The first year in Korea I was able to save about $1000 a month and I went out and travelled to other countries.
Of course that's just me and every job in Korea is different. It certainly is more of a risk (financially) then accepting the military position (but who knows where you'll be sent once you're enlisted).
Best of luck with your decisions.
hey Shawn,
I've sent you an email ;) Sorry for the delay!!!
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