this is the post i've been meaning to write for awhile...

I believe the title explains it all. I'm not sure where I even want to start. I guess i'll just start free-flow writing and go from there (although this ping on my computer is driving me nuts). My 26th birthday is less than a month away. And, although I should be ecstatic about being on my own again and having more freedom, there is little to cheer about. I lost ('gave away' would be a better definition) my job at David Swesey Florist over 3 and a half weeks ago. With that said, I have had to have my parents financially bail me out as usual (which has been the norm for over 2 years now). I find myself constantly thinking about what went wrong and why I am continually unhappy. I've literally tried all I physically, financially, and mentally can do to make myself happier but to no avail. My friends, facebook buddies and literally anyone I meet seems to be doing better than me and it continually makes me feel worse and worse. Why can't I get a good job like so many others? I feel like (as Allen put it) "this is [my] cross to bear..." meaning being unhappy, lonely, unsuccessful at so many endeavors I put my mind to. And, no matter what jobs I get, they don't come close to filling the void that is left in my heart and in my life. Citibank, the student loan corporation I borrowed my student loans through calls me literally twice a day, everyday, including Sunday. I already have $1,300 outstanding after my 2nd Forbearance ended in May of this year. There doesn't seem to be a way out of this predicament. Of course, my parents want me to declare bankruptcy in the hope that my debts will be wiped clean. However, I found out that none of my student loans will disappear, rather bankruptcy takes care of old debt. I'm wondering if my $11,000 in credit card debt would be wiped clean even. Right now, as it stands, I have 0.15 cents in my checking. 15 cents? Can you believe that? There is no contingency plan. I've exhausted every outlet possible. I have no savings, a few $50 savings bonds that might have matured, and no one to help me right now except for my parents. Even they have said that they won't pay my student loans. I believe that a far worse problem will arise if this goes much past September...they will cut me off for good. There is only so much love and patience even our parents can deal with us. I'll always be a son to my mom and step-father, but there is no leniency left when it comes to the headache I have caused them. As they have told me, I am making their lives harder, especially at a time when they want to take more vacations, concentrate on my 11 year old half brother Zachary and focus their savings and investments into retirement. For as many squabbles as I've had with them over everything you can think of...they are right thinking that this should no longer be their problem. I am a grown man now, some time removed from adolescence and infancy, yet I cannot solve or counter the problems of adulthood without their help. What is wrong with me?
All of this writing was supposed to lead to me talking about happier memories I had when I was a kid...such as flying with my Uncle Mark over Cedar Point in a little cessna (or warrior); taking trips up to Dino (my step-dad)'s property and camping overnight; living at Lake View Shores apartments...and, literally, just the non-existence of worries that I have now. But, the more I think, the more I concede that these aren't going to negate the problems I have, even reminiscing about them. No redo button in life...no game over, start again button. this pain is so real its almost surreal. I never realized the pain I could inflict upon myself and others. My selfish choices have all led me to this point. These choices have cost me friends (who won't even read this), loved ones, job associates, financially security, my own freedom, my parent's love, and most unassuringly, any love I have for myself. I hate everything about myself.
I wake up everyday, sometimes 1 or 2 in the afternoon and lay in bed...sometimes trying to go back to sleep...sometimes crying, sometimes wishing for a miracle to happen, even wishing for it all to end. I could never hurt or kill myself, but i wish someone else would to take away all the sadness and hopelessness this life has brought to me. I want a big change to happen. I realize that i'm not going to make it happen now, in this life, or with this mentality. I need a change of scenery; a change of attitude. No big corporation is going to hire me now, as I am, as I will be, even if I really put some big effort forth. The military seems to be my only possible choice, at this point. I'm hoping it will instill the discipline, courage, mental fortitude, desire, honor, etc...that I so desperately lack. I don't want to come back here, maybe except to visit once in a great while. I want to hit the delete key...although I know there can never be one. I've thought about after the military either coming back to school here in the states (probably not Ohio) and going to law school, then going to Europe/Asia to practice International Business Law or Africa/3rd-world countries and doing pro-bono work for people whom have no rights whatsoever. Whatever the case may be I want to really make a difference. I want to go down somewhere in the history books...that in the face of adversity, I still tried to do something that was right; that despite my own mental anguish, personal demons I would fight for someone else. It's now been an hour since I began this and I am beginning to feel sick to my stomach. I haven't eaten at all today. This day began much like the others...and again I feel no hope for its existence. Maybe someone will read this and realize the extent of my problems. I'm just throwing a life line out there. Maybe the truth out of this whole message is that those that help themselves is the best form of help...