I forget how blunt and opinionated I am--sometimes even to a fault. It has cost me countless jobs, friendships, good, stable working relationships. It's a part of who I am , why i'm so charismatic about so many causes, yet it also becomes my downfall. A quote I often think of is "what nourishes me also destroys me". I need to learn to bring it down a notch. I can't always say what is on my mind even when I think it's important to talk about it. I guess there is, indeed, a right and wrong time to discuss things. I was thinking about going into detail about a certain example that happened recently but I realize that sometimes these posts can become really lengthy and mundane. With that said, i'm going to bring it down a notch. This will be especially important if I do go into some branch of the service. I will get my ass chewed out, be singled out and alienated, if I choose to talk the shit I do now. Okay, moving on...
I've thought about writing about this for awhile...
while my posts often focus on the negative aspects of my life there are some defining, proud moments in my life. Here are some ppl who have influenced me in ways they cannot even begin to understand...
Father Frances Canfield, my Freshman and Sophomore counselor whom always looked out for me especially when my grades were slipping to the point of failing during my sophomore year of high school. He was my bedrock during high school and a man who has had a firm grasp on who I am today. I haven't seen him but a few times since high school and he has since retired to the Jesuit retirement home in the Detroit area.
Chris Tracey, a friend for life, whom continues to be a source of strength in these difficult and turbulent times for me. He imbues me with confidence and wisdom and my only wish is to emulate his pious life and find the same semblance of a life he has had.
Mr. Richards, he might not it, but he conditioned me to understand my spirituality during my senior year and understand the greater lessons life has to teach us. He listened to me as I cried during my senior Kairos about the tenuous relationship I have with my step-father and the fight we had in my bedroom just a few days before Kairos retreat in Canada.
Ron Young, a great friend from my youth, we share a familial relationship because of his grandmother and her daughter. When I was growing up I was at his grandma's all the time while my mother was working. His family has brought me up like one of their own. It has hurt me to see the disease that has taken his life. Being bi-polar, Ron still appears like himself, yet the mental faculties that at once made him a fun guy to hang around with now seperate us because he cannot trust anyone including his close family. I will never abandon our friendship, however.
I will write about some more people whom have influenced me another time.
Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!
~Shawn
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
things on my mind...
There's been a lot going through my head lately not just about work, money, and all the things that make my life super complicated. Namely I've been thinking about my relationship with God, my parents, my friends, and lack of relationships with women. All of these things are troubling me very much. They are literally why I am as strong as I am but they are also my downfall and complicating features to an otherwise mundane life.
First, I would just like to say that God and I have had many awe-inspiring, world changing times together. There were times when I couldn't feel closer to him. Lately, However, my faith has been waning. I feel drained all the time and feel spiritually empty. I feel like I ask for his strength to carry me through the tough times and no one answers my prayers. I go to St. Joseph's in Maumee and pray by myself for a half or so a few times a week over the past couple of months...just silent prayer between me and God. There are some things I believed he has answered my prayers about, namely getting offered a position to work on the presidential campaign, getting out of Barney's, and getting to work at Anderson's again, but its not helping as much as I thought it would. There's still some distance between him and I and it hurts me on a deeper level not to be close to him.
The closest I've felt in years to him was during the summer when I was playing softball. The coach of the team, Tim Hearns and his wife Jody, brought something out of me that I didn't think was there anymore...hope. All the times they took me to softball games and practice while I was unemployed was definitely a liberating, faith-inspired point for me. They took me in as one of their own children and I felt tremendous love and faith in something higher when I was around them.
I could dedicate an entire blog just to my parents alone. I know all children have certain issues with their parents and mine are no exception. I love them dearly and all the things they have had to put with me is certainly taken a great deal of strength and love on their behalf. However, I can see that my being home again and still without some kind of career direction has put a strain on their relationship with each other and their relationship with me, their son. I feel it tearing me apart.
My friends continue to be my bedrock and my sole means, currently, to find some sanity in this otherwise crazy and lonely time. They pick me up when i'm feeling blue and I try to return the favor constantly. There exists a division, however, between how things should be with them, and how they actually are. I don't feel like I fit in as much anymore. I feel like i'm the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I love my friends like they are my own family, but in that thought, there exists a problem much like I have with my parents. I feel like my problems have come between me having meaningful relationships with these guys anymore.
Finally, to wrap up quickly, my lack of relationships with women is a very big concern for me (and maybe others). I don't know why I haven't had a stable relationship in a really long time. Maybe I'm just still too messed up from some of my more meaningful relationships that got torn apart to move ahead with my life. I don't think that's it, though. Many girls I have tried to date have told me that i'm not ready to be with someone and/or I don't really want a relationship. Some part of me still thinks that way but as I continue to navigate my 26th year of life, I realize that I want someone to come home to and have them tell me things are gonna be okay. I want someone I can share my life with. I'm just not sure right now that there is anyone patient or understanding enough to deal with all the problems I have and their own.
If only I hadn't accrued so much debt, picked a major I could get a good job with, become more stable, and moved back and forth between home so many times.... Maybe the solution itself is that I won't find any peace or be able to be with anyone until I make a decision that will affect me for many years to come. Honestly, I doubt that I will find a job that can sustain and fulfill me if I haven't found it 2.5 years after leaving Miami. Even i'm not that gullible anymore.
~Shawn
First, I would just like to say that God and I have had many awe-inspiring, world changing times together. There were times when I couldn't feel closer to him. Lately, However, my faith has been waning. I feel drained all the time and feel spiritually empty. I feel like I ask for his strength to carry me through the tough times and no one answers my prayers. I go to St. Joseph's in Maumee and pray by myself for a half or so a few times a week over the past couple of months...just silent prayer between me and God. There are some things I believed he has answered my prayers about, namely getting offered a position to work on the presidential campaign, getting out of Barney's, and getting to work at Anderson's again, but its not helping as much as I thought it would. There's still some distance between him and I and it hurts me on a deeper level not to be close to him.
The closest I've felt in years to him was during the summer when I was playing softball. The coach of the team, Tim Hearns and his wife Jody, brought something out of me that I didn't think was there anymore...hope. All the times they took me to softball games and practice while I was unemployed was definitely a liberating, faith-inspired point for me. They took me in as one of their own children and I felt tremendous love and faith in something higher when I was around them.
I could dedicate an entire blog just to my parents alone. I know all children have certain issues with their parents and mine are no exception. I love them dearly and all the things they have had to put with me is certainly taken a great deal of strength and love on their behalf. However, I can see that my being home again and still without some kind of career direction has put a strain on their relationship with each other and their relationship with me, their son. I feel it tearing me apart.
My friends continue to be my bedrock and my sole means, currently, to find some sanity in this otherwise crazy and lonely time. They pick me up when i'm feeling blue and I try to return the favor constantly. There exists a division, however, between how things should be with them, and how they actually are. I don't feel like I fit in as much anymore. I feel like i'm the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I love my friends like they are my own family, but in that thought, there exists a problem much like I have with my parents. I feel like my problems have come between me having meaningful relationships with these guys anymore.
Finally, to wrap up quickly, my lack of relationships with women is a very big concern for me (and maybe others). I don't know why I haven't had a stable relationship in a really long time. Maybe I'm just still too messed up from some of my more meaningful relationships that got torn apart to move ahead with my life. I don't think that's it, though. Many girls I have tried to date have told me that i'm not ready to be with someone and/or I don't really want a relationship. Some part of me still thinks that way but as I continue to navigate my 26th year of life, I realize that I want someone to come home to and have them tell me things are gonna be okay. I want someone I can share my life with. I'm just not sure right now that there is anyone patient or understanding enough to deal with all the problems I have and their own.
If only I hadn't accrued so much debt, picked a major I could get a good job with, become more stable, and moved back and forth between home so many times.... Maybe the solution itself is that I won't find any peace or be able to be with anyone until I make a decision that will affect me for many years to come. Honestly, I doubt that I will find a job that can sustain and fulfill me if I haven't found it 2.5 years after leaving Miami. Even i'm not that gullible anymore.
~Shawn
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
decision still pending...
Okay, so here's the deal...in about 6 weeks or so, I will be in the midst of a big change in my life. Even as I type this there things in motion that will determine where I am and what I am doing in these next 6 weeks. For those that haven't been kept up to date in my life happenings, I am going on to my 4th and 5th jobs (respectively, as of this week) in the last 3 and a half months. In the past year alone, from January til May I worked at Barney's (3rd shift on Weekends) and worked sparingly at David Swesey Florist. Then in May and June I worked full time until I was laid off because the manager, David Swesey had to make a decision when I told him that I was going into the service. However, after several attempts at going enlisted into the Marines and then the Army I stopped short of signing the contract at MEPS for the Army and swearing in and backed out. I was unemployed from the end of June until the beginning of August when I thought I landed an awesome job at AllianceOne, Inc. as a quote, unquote 'Receivables Management Specialist' which is just a bullshit title for a debt collector. During this period I started receiving daily reminders that my student loans were in repayment from Citibank Student Loan 'specialists'. That is when I gave serious consideration about going enlisted in the Army, even taking a day off to go to MEPS when I actually had a signed contract in my hands, but decided that the job they are giving me wasn't what I really wanted to do. After 2 weeks at AllianceOne, I told them I was getting ready to leave for the service (which was only partly true), so I just straight up quit, without giving them so much as a day's notice. I told everyone including my roommate, parents, and friends that they laid me off because I wasn't meeting my sales quota, but that wasn't even remotely close to the truth because I was in my last day of training at AllianceOne when I decided that I didn't really want to call people all day and harp them about their debts when I had a serious outstanding debt with my student loans. Oh, before I forget, a few weeks before I got the job at AllianceOne and when I was considering going into the Army (because they were willing to pay off my student loans) my Aunt Mindy came to her cousin Mary Schaub-Fern's funeral in Toledo. While she was there she was trying to convince me to come live with her and work at her company Sallie Mae, which was based out of Northern Kentucky. Mindy's job (as she eloquently bragged about) at Sallie Mae was to wrangle payments out of people no matter 'what rock or hole they were hiding under'. She was doing exactly what I would go on to do some weeks later at AllianceOne and she wanted me to do that too. I'm sorry, but if I did take that job and then it didn't work out like it did at AllianceOne and I had to move back home to Toledo, then that would've put a really hard strain on the relationship I have with my aunt. In retrospect, it may or may not have worked out because the job that she has would've been in stark contrast to what my job would've been (or at least in a different department). She called a few weeks ago to ask if I still wanted to come down to live with her (she lives by herself) and that a new class was beginning at her company. Maybe there is good money to be had, but am I the type of person who wants to hound people for money they don't have in this current recession.
After the job at the Florist as a driver and the job at AllianceOne as a debt collector fell through, I made as many phone calls as I could and applied at as many places as I could to get a job. I finally got through late one afternoon to the woman whom originally hired me at Barney's. She offered to start me immediately on 3rds at a Rossford store for minimum, plus a $1 wage increase for working nights. I started working thirds there and immediately hated it. Along with the woman whom trained me, I just flat out hated working 3rds most of the time, and especially the work I was doing for so little. After about 5 or 6 weeks there, I got hired at Speedway/SuperAmerica to do the exact same job for a little bit better pay and on first shifts. At about the same time I was working my last few shifts at Barney's my cousin Chris Geiser called me and offered a position through him to work on Barack Obama's campaign near Philadelphia in Harrisburgh, Pennsylvania. At first I couldn't be more ecstatic. However, after some thought and running the financial numbers I realized that it might not be very smart for me to quit my job at either Barney's or Speedway without having a job to come back too.
I didn't realize it til about that point but I was coming increasingly close to defaulting on my student loans. At 150 days my student loan company was threatening to file a suit against myself and my step-father in an attempt to get their money from me and him. When I found out about the job working on the campaign, I was somewhere in the neighborhood of 120-130 days delinquent. While they were willling to pay me better than what either Barney's or Speedway was willing to pay it was a risk I couldn't take...especially knowing my parents and how reluctant they seem to give any more money to me, at this point. So...to get this journal moving along, I didn't take the job working on Barack Obama's (now our President-Elect) campaign as a GOTV (Get Out the Vote) organizer, even with a purposed contribution of $500 from my cousin.
It was a decision i'm likely to come to regret, but I can't think like that all the time. Instead, I started working 1sts at Speedway (and after 5 weeks, am still currently hired there). A week or so ago, my old neighbor's son, Nathan (also a S.J. grad) told me about a job with the Anderson's that he turned down, when he stopped into Speedway. I called and immediately could tell that the boss, whom would eventually hire me, really liked what I had to say. He could tell I was hard-working, determined, and really needed the work. So, to cut the story short, I got hired and am slated to begin tonight (on 3rds, sigh :( ). It's much better money than I was making (11.00 an hour vs. 7.50 an hour) and I get weekend nights off (even better, haha). However, a good or bad side (depends on how someone sees it) is that the job is only seasonal and will only last until the beginning or middle of January (depending on snowfall, sales, and other conditions--economy, price, etc.)
I also got a job a few weeks ago with Senior Helpers, LLC. I am not sure when I will start this job, but it is very flexible and it appears that I will be able to work as many or as few shifts as I choose. The job consists of me going to older people's homes and doing some sort of activity with them--be it going to get groceries, running them to the post office, playing poker or shooting pool with them, etc...and the shifts are usually only 3-4 hours at a time. Having said this, there will not be a lot of free time in my schedule. In fact, I may give up my current job at Speedway because I believe that my boss will be hesitant to cut me back to 1 or 2 shifts a week and he may even cut my pay. Again, I got the job through some friends. My good friend Mike's mom called me some 3-4 weeks ago and said I should apply there. Her son's godmother, Joyce, runs the program along with the owner, Bob Hoorman. I turned in some paperwork yesterday to Bob and it appears i'll be starting shortly. Mike's mom even called me yesterday to let me know that I may in fact be running some sort of Nintendo Wii bowling tournament with some seniors. We'll see how that goes.
With all of this said...the decision that is pending is in fact a long term decision that must be made in the next few weeks but will not take effect until at least the beginning of the new year. I am currently sitting on an offer to become an ESL (English as a Second Language) Teacher in South Korea. YES, I said South Korea. It is an important decision which I'm not taking lightly. Also on my plate, is an opportunity with the United States Air Force. I am in the Officer Selection Process right now. I would become a 2nd lieutenant upon my commissioning ceremony, however I wouldn't leave until next September (2009). Additionally, I still have to take the AFOQT to determine if I am even qualified to become an officer. I need to decide real quick what I am going to do. I have already sat on the ESL position for almost 2 weeks and I'm sure Jason (boss at the school in SK) is getting antsy. The job is a 1-year contract at 2.2 Million Won. Now, that may seem like a lot (and it would be if this were a year or 2 ago) but the problem is that the international markets are fluctuating so much right now that its impossible to tell if I will be making around 2,000 a month or 1,500 a month. The Officer job seems like the more prudent and secure job to take. I am leaning towards that route, however, I may just go the enlisted side. I don't know if I have the resources, the finances, or the patience to wait until next September. If that's the case, there may be the possibility that I look again at the Army. They have boards every month (which was my understanding) and they might be able to pay more (pay off all of my student loans) and get me into the Officer school much quicker than the Air Force. If money weren't a factor, I would probably either go teach abroad for a year or still go in the Air Force, enlisted or Officer. There's always the possibility that I just say screw the money and time it will take to become an officer in the Air Force and go straight enlist in the Air Force. After a year I can apply for the Officer commission while i'm active.
These are just my thoughts and random musings about the stuff in my life. Keep me in your prayers that things start turning a corner. Since I moved out of my friend Allen's apartment on the first of September, things with my parents have been very hostile and continue to stay stagnant. Bless all of you.
~Shawn
After the job at the Florist as a driver and the job at AllianceOne as a debt collector fell through, I made as many phone calls as I could and applied at as many places as I could to get a job. I finally got through late one afternoon to the woman whom originally hired me at Barney's. She offered to start me immediately on 3rds at a Rossford store for minimum, plus a $1 wage increase for working nights. I started working thirds there and immediately hated it. Along with the woman whom trained me, I just flat out hated working 3rds most of the time, and especially the work I was doing for so little. After about 5 or 6 weeks there, I got hired at Speedway/SuperAmerica to do the exact same job for a little bit better pay and on first shifts. At about the same time I was working my last few shifts at Barney's my cousin Chris Geiser called me and offered a position through him to work on Barack Obama's campaign near Philadelphia in Harrisburgh, Pennsylvania. At first I couldn't be more ecstatic. However, after some thought and running the financial numbers I realized that it might not be very smart for me to quit my job at either Barney's or Speedway without having a job to come back too.
I didn't realize it til about that point but I was coming increasingly close to defaulting on my student loans. At 150 days my student loan company was threatening to file a suit against myself and my step-father in an attempt to get their money from me and him. When I found out about the job working on the campaign, I was somewhere in the neighborhood of 120-130 days delinquent. While they were willling to pay me better than what either Barney's or Speedway was willing to pay it was a risk I couldn't take...especially knowing my parents and how reluctant they seem to give any more money to me, at this point. So...to get this journal moving along, I didn't take the job working on Barack Obama's (now our President-Elect) campaign as a GOTV (Get Out the Vote) organizer, even with a purposed contribution of $500 from my cousin.
It was a decision i'm likely to come to regret, but I can't think like that all the time. Instead, I started working 1sts at Speedway (and after 5 weeks, am still currently hired there). A week or so ago, my old neighbor's son, Nathan (also a S.J. grad) told me about a job with the Anderson's that he turned down, when he stopped into Speedway. I called and immediately could tell that the boss, whom would eventually hire me, really liked what I had to say. He could tell I was hard-working, determined, and really needed the work. So, to cut the story short, I got hired and am slated to begin tonight (on 3rds, sigh :( ). It's much better money than I was making (11.00 an hour vs. 7.50 an hour) and I get weekend nights off (even better, haha). However, a good or bad side (depends on how someone sees it) is that the job is only seasonal and will only last until the beginning or middle of January (depending on snowfall, sales, and other conditions--economy, price, etc.)
I also got a job a few weeks ago with Senior Helpers, LLC. I am not sure when I will start this job, but it is very flexible and it appears that I will be able to work as many or as few shifts as I choose. The job consists of me going to older people's homes and doing some sort of activity with them--be it going to get groceries, running them to the post office, playing poker or shooting pool with them, etc...and the shifts are usually only 3-4 hours at a time. Having said this, there will not be a lot of free time in my schedule. In fact, I may give up my current job at Speedway because I believe that my boss will be hesitant to cut me back to 1 or 2 shifts a week and he may even cut my pay. Again, I got the job through some friends. My good friend Mike's mom called me some 3-4 weeks ago and said I should apply there. Her son's godmother, Joyce, runs the program along with the owner, Bob Hoorman. I turned in some paperwork yesterday to Bob and it appears i'll be starting shortly. Mike's mom even called me yesterday to let me know that I may in fact be running some sort of Nintendo Wii bowling tournament with some seniors. We'll see how that goes.
With all of this said...the decision that is pending is in fact a long term decision that must be made in the next few weeks but will not take effect until at least the beginning of the new year. I am currently sitting on an offer to become an ESL (English as a Second Language) Teacher in South Korea. YES, I said South Korea. It is an important decision which I'm not taking lightly. Also on my plate, is an opportunity with the United States Air Force. I am in the Officer Selection Process right now. I would become a 2nd lieutenant upon my commissioning ceremony, however I wouldn't leave until next September (2009). Additionally, I still have to take the AFOQT to determine if I am even qualified to become an officer. I need to decide real quick what I am going to do. I have already sat on the ESL position for almost 2 weeks and I'm sure Jason (boss at the school in SK) is getting antsy. The job is a 1-year contract at 2.2 Million Won. Now, that may seem like a lot (and it would be if this were a year or 2 ago) but the problem is that the international markets are fluctuating so much right now that its impossible to tell if I will be making around 2,000 a month or 1,500 a month. The Officer job seems like the more prudent and secure job to take. I am leaning towards that route, however, I may just go the enlisted side. I don't know if I have the resources, the finances, or the patience to wait until next September. If that's the case, there may be the possibility that I look again at the Army. They have boards every month (which was my understanding) and they might be able to pay more (pay off all of my student loans) and get me into the Officer school much quicker than the Air Force. If money weren't a factor, I would probably either go teach abroad for a year or still go in the Air Force, enlisted or Officer. There's always the possibility that I just say screw the money and time it will take to become an officer in the Air Force and go straight enlist in the Air Force. After a year I can apply for the Officer commission while i'm active.
These are just my thoughts and random musings about the stuff in my life. Keep me in your prayers that things start turning a corner. Since I moved out of my friend Allen's apartment on the first of September, things with my parents have been very hostile and continue to stay stagnant. Bless all of you.
~Shawn
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