embrace me, erase me...

Do I deserve everything that has happened to me? The more I try to change my life and make things better, the worse off I get. Unemployed for 3 and a half weeks now. Can't find a job. Burned all my bridges that would've allowed me to have a new job by now. No one will want to hire me and take a chance. Why is my personality so conflicting with everyone else I know? Why is it that I can't get along with people? Working on my last paper. Midway through. The end is in sight, yet I still feel some giant hurdles in front of me. My friendships are shabby and unstable. It's all one-sided from them, as I struggle to keep my part of that deal. Lost so many friends and loved ones. Emily is gone, as is Elisha. Laura dumped me as did Jessica. I got rid of Katie, Elisha and Nathalie. Now, all I can think about is what if I made the wrong choices? I'm so alone right now. I have two great girls who care about me a lot. They tell me i'm never by myself. I'm afraid i'll push them away; or worse, they'll see how little I care about myself and realize that i'll never be able to give them the love back that they have given for me. They give so much of themselves. So does Chris, Charlie and Brandon. I've neglected that. I won't realize what I had until it's gone. It's not far off. I can see the end now. It's not like the fairytale dreams and fantasies you hear about when you're a kid or read about in some book. The end is some poor misbegotten soul who got lost on his trip to the grocery store. It's an everyman, Joe Somebody who doesn't understand that redemption is a telephone call away. Ask for help. I don't know how to ask. I had some dime store priest offer me Jesus as my savior in the parking lot of Kroger's today, with his little girl asking me to pray with her. Even at my nadir, I couldn't muster enough courage or strength to save my own soul...i'm an everyman who has failed...and miserably at that. Rock bottom is approaching.