What's Happening Next??

As it turned out, neither of the jobs I had thought I was going to get are going to happen. As I type I'm supposed to be headed to Troy, Michigan to spend the night at the Troy Courtyard hotel. Why? you ask. Well, i'm scheduled to take the AFOQT in the morning at the Detroit MEPS. However, recent developments have caused me to rethink my strategy regarding the service. I had planned to attempt in go in as a 2nd lieutenant in the Air Force sometime soon. However, after meeting with the Officer recruiter Sgt. Hessler a few weeks ago in Michigan I found out that the process would really take until September '09. Even if I were to go in enlisted side as an E-3 I wouldn't realistically be expected to leave until March '09. That's a pretty long time for a guy who can barely afford his mastercard bill for this month, even still while living at home and having basically every amenity paid for.
The other job I was expecting to be offered is no longer really even a possibility. When I found out 4-5 weeks ago that Jason from the ESL school in South Korea was hiring, I immediately jumped at the opportunity to get out of my home, out of Toledo, and to do something that may eventually become my profession. However, after the dramatic decline of the SK Won, my friend Jasmin leaving the school that she was trying to get me into, and my own dwindling funds, it seems destined that I will not in fact go abroad in the teaching capacity. That card, dear friends, may be reserved for the service...

I am going to revisit the Army (I believe) with the intention of going in as a 2nd lieutenant. While I backed out in July going the enlisted side, there's a good chance that I will go this route instead. They have the funds to persuade me to go and the time schedule is far shorter for officers than it is for the Air Force. I spoke to a recruiter up at the Jackman recruiting office last week and he said that hypothetically if I started the process now I could leaving for basic around January 15th. That's a huge time difference than the September '09 schedule I was given with the Air Force.

While the Anderson's job turned out to be the wrong path for me (even though it was seasonal) I am still employed at Speedway part time. I am also still employed by Senior Helpers and I have gotten another part time job (dun dun dun) delivering flowers, this time for Hafner florist. However, it's only a matter of time before the florist job runs out of work for me (only 17 days til Christmas) and I am once again scrambling for work. I have resumes out to nearly all the big employers in Toledo, have my resume still on monster and am awaiting a decision from Alltel about another class of Customer Service reps in January. I could also pick up another packet from Toledo Public Schools at the Thurgood Marshall building and substitute teach for the time being (although Chrismas break is coming up shortly). It's a sad situation that's boiling down to how long will my parents handle take my shit and how long before I realize that the service is really my only viable option, at this point.

Maybe if I would've taken the post working for the Obama campaign in October and November in Harrisburgh, I might've gotten picked up through the President-Elect's time waiting until January 20th when he becomes our nation's next president but I can't think like that now. That was a big risk and if the job didn't work out I could be at home now without a job, on the street homeless, living in Kentucky with my aunt working a job I know I won't like, or already in the service doing a job i'm not sure about because I had to pick anything and go.

I hope I won't be rushed like that like I was in July and August. If I do go the Officer route in the Army I would accept any post they give me because the pay would be substantially better, however going enlisted, i'm not going to be bullied into something I don't want to do or know nothing about just because I need the money. I'm still wondering if there are better jobs out there for me, but i'm not holding my breath. I've basically talked myself out of doing the Marines, Air Force, and Navy. There's really only the Army and Coast Guard now. Well, there's a good job here in Toledo, Ohio, or someplace in the midwest, but if that were the true case I would be doing that already...damn the economy. damn my procrastication.

know thy boundaries & cherished people

I forget how blunt and opinionated I am--sometimes even to a fault. It has cost me countless jobs, friendships, good, stable working relationships. It's a part of who I am , why i'm so charismatic about so many causes, yet it also becomes my downfall. A quote I often think of is "what nourishes me also destroys me". I need to learn to bring it down a notch. I can't always say what is on my mind even when I think it's important to talk about it. I guess there is, indeed, a right and wrong time to discuss things. I was thinking about going into detail about a certain example that happened recently but I realize that sometimes these posts can become really lengthy and mundane. With that said, i'm going to bring it down a notch. This will be especially important if I do go into some branch of the service. I will get my ass chewed out, be singled out and alienated, if I choose to talk the shit I do now. Okay, moving on...

I've thought about writing about this for awhile...

while my posts often focus on the negative aspects of my life there are some defining, proud moments in my life. Here are some ppl who have influenced me in ways they cannot even begin to understand...

Father Frances Canfield, my Freshman and Sophomore counselor whom always looked out for me especially when my grades were slipping to the point of failing during my sophomore year of high school. He was my bedrock during high school and a man who has had a firm grasp on who I am today. I haven't seen him but a few times since high school and he has since retired to the Jesuit retirement home in the Detroit area.

Chris Tracey, a friend for life, whom continues to be a source of strength in these difficult and turbulent times for me. He imbues me with confidence and wisdom and my only wish is to emulate his pious life and find the same semblance of a life he has had.

Mr. Richards, he might not it, but he conditioned me to understand my spirituality during my senior year and understand the greater lessons life has to teach us. He listened to me as I cried during my senior Kairos about the tenuous relationship I have with my step-father and the fight we had in my bedroom just a few days before Kairos retreat in Canada.

Ron Young, a great friend from my youth, we share a familial relationship because of his grandmother and her daughter. When I was growing up I was at his grandma's all the time while my mother was working. His family has brought me up like one of their own. It has hurt me to see the disease that has taken his life. Being bi-polar, Ron still appears like himself, yet the mental faculties that at once made him a fun guy to hang around with now seperate us because he cannot trust anyone including his close family. I will never abandon our friendship, however.

I will write about some more people whom have influenced me another time.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

~Shawn

things on my mind...

There's been a lot going through my head lately not just about work, money, and all the things that make my life super complicated. Namely I've been thinking about my relationship with God, my parents, my friends, and lack of relationships with women. All of these things are troubling me very much. They are literally why I am as strong as I am but they are also my downfall and complicating features to an otherwise mundane life.

First, I would just like to say that God and I have had many awe-inspiring, world changing times together. There were times when I couldn't feel closer to him. Lately, However, my faith has been waning. I feel drained all the time and feel spiritually empty. I feel like I ask for his strength to carry me through the tough times and no one answers my prayers. I go to St. Joseph's in Maumee and pray by myself for a half or so a few times a week over the past couple of months...just silent prayer between me and God. There are some things I believed he has answered my prayers about, namely getting offered a position to work on the presidential campaign, getting out of Barney's, and getting to work at Anderson's again, but its not helping as much as I thought it would. There's still some distance between him and I and it hurts me on a deeper level not to be close to him.

The closest I've felt in years to him was during the summer when I was playing softball. The coach of the team, Tim Hearns and his wife Jody, brought something out of me that I didn't think was there anymore...hope. All the times they took me to softball games and practice while I was unemployed was definitely a liberating, faith-inspired point for me. They took me in as one of their own children and I felt tremendous love and faith in something higher when I was around them.

I could dedicate an entire blog just to my parents alone. I know all children have certain issues with their parents and mine are no exception. I love them dearly and all the things they have had to put with me is certainly taken a great deal of strength and love on their behalf. However, I can see that my being home again and still without some kind of career direction has put a strain on their relationship with each other and their relationship with me, their son. I feel it tearing me apart.

My friends continue to be my bedrock and my sole means, currently, to find some sanity in this otherwise crazy and lonely time. They pick me up when i'm feeling blue and I try to return the favor constantly. There exists a division, however, between how things should be with them, and how they actually are. I don't feel like I fit in as much anymore. I feel like i'm the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I love my friends like they are my own family, but in that thought, there exists a problem much like I have with my parents. I feel like my problems have come between me having meaningful relationships with these guys anymore.

Finally, to wrap up quickly, my lack of relationships with women is a very big concern for me (and maybe others). I don't know why I haven't had a stable relationship in a really long time. Maybe I'm just still too messed up from some of my more meaningful relationships that got torn apart to move ahead with my life. I don't think that's it, though. Many girls I have tried to date have told me that i'm not ready to be with someone and/or I don't really want a relationship. Some part of me still thinks that way but as I continue to navigate my 26th year of life, I realize that I want someone to come home to and have them tell me things are gonna be okay. I want someone I can share my life with. I'm just not sure right now that there is anyone patient or understanding enough to deal with all the problems I have and their own.

If only I hadn't accrued so much debt, picked a major I could get a good job with, become more stable, and moved back and forth between home so many times.... Maybe the solution itself is that I won't find any peace or be able to be with anyone until I make a decision that will affect me for many years to come. Honestly, I doubt that I will find a job that can sustain and fulfill me if I haven't found it 2.5 years after leaving Miami. Even i'm not that gullible anymore.

~Shawn

decision still pending...

Okay, so here's the deal...in about 6 weeks or so, I will be in the midst of a big change in my life. Even as I type this there things in motion that will determine where I am and what I am doing in these next 6 weeks. For those that haven't been kept up to date in my life happenings, I am going on to my 4th and 5th jobs (respectively, as of this week) in the last 3 and a half months. In the past year alone, from January til May I worked at Barney's (3rd shift on Weekends) and worked sparingly at David Swesey Florist. Then in May and June I worked full time until I was laid off because the manager, David Swesey had to make a decision when I told him that I was going into the service. However, after several attempts at going enlisted into the Marines and then the Army I stopped short of signing the contract at MEPS for the Army and swearing in and backed out. I was unemployed from the end of June until the beginning of August when I thought I landed an awesome job at AllianceOne, Inc. as a quote, unquote 'Receivables Management Specialist' which is just a bullshit title for a debt collector. During this period I started receiving daily reminders that my student loans were in repayment from Citibank Student Loan 'specialists'. That is when I gave serious consideration about going enlisted in the Army, even taking a day off to go to MEPS when I actually had a signed contract in my hands, but decided that the job they are giving me wasn't what I really wanted to do. After 2 weeks at AllianceOne, I told them I was getting ready to leave for the service (which was only partly true), so I just straight up quit, without giving them so much as a day's notice. I told everyone including my roommate, parents, and friends that they laid me off because I wasn't meeting my sales quota, but that wasn't even remotely close to the truth because I was in my last day of training at AllianceOne when I decided that I didn't really want to call people all day and harp them about their debts when I had a serious outstanding debt with my student loans. Oh, before I forget, a few weeks before I got the job at AllianceOne and when I was considering going into the Army (because they were willing to pay off my student loans) my Aunt Mindy came to her cousin Mary Schaub-Fern's funeral in Toledo. While she was there she was trying to convince me to come live with her and work at her company Sallie Mae, which was based out of Northern Kentucky. Mindy's job (as she eloquently bragged about) at Sallie Mae was to wrangle payments out of people no matter 'what rock or hole they were hiding under'. She was doing exactly what I would go on to do some weeks later at AllianceOne and she wanted me to do that too. I'm sorry, but if I did take that job and then it didn't work out like it did at AllianceOne and I had to move back home to Toledo, then that would've put a really hard strain on the relationship I have with my aunt. In retrospect, it may or may not have worked out because the job that she has would've been in stark contrast to what my job would've been (or at least in a different department). She called a few weeks ago to ask if I still wanted to come down to live with her (she lives by herself) and that a new class was beginning at her company. Maybe there is good money to be had, but am I the type of person who wants to hound people for money they don't have in this current recession.

After the job at the Florist as a driver and the job at AllianceOne as a debt collector fell through, I made as many phone calls as I could and applied at as many places as I could to get a job. I finally got through late one afternoon to the woman whom originally hired me at Barney's. She offered to start me immediately on 3rds at a Rossford store for minimum, plus a $1 wage increase for working nights. I started working thirds there and immediately hated it. Along with the woman whom trained me, I just flat out hated working 3rds most of the time, and especially the work I was doing for so little. After about 5 or 6 weeks there, I got hired at Speedway/SuperAmerica to do the exact same job for a little bit better pay and on first shifts. At about the same time I was working my last few shifts at Barney's my cousin Chris Geiser called me and offered a position through him to work on Barack Obama's campaign near Philadelphia in Harrisburgh, Pennsylvania. At first I couldn't be more ecstatic. However, after some thought and running the financial numbers I realized that it might not be very smart for me to quit my job at either Barney's or Speedway without having a job to come back too.

I didn't realize it til about that point but I was coming increasingly close to defaulting on my student loans. At 150 days my student loan company was threatening to file a suit against myself and my step-father in an attempt to get their money from me and him. When I found out about the job working on the campaign, I was somewhere in the neighborhood of 120-130 days delinquent. While they were willling to pay me better than what either Barney's or Speedway was willing to pay it was a risk I couldn't take...especially knowing my parents and how reluctant they seem to give any more money to me, at this point. So...to get this journal moving along, I didn't take the job working on Barack Obama's (now our President-Elect) campaign as a GOTV (Get Out the Vote) organizer, even with a purposed contribution of $500 from my cousin.

It was a decision i'm likely to come to regret, but I can't think like that all the time. Instead, I started working 1sts at Speedway (and after 5 weeks, am still currently hired there). A week or so ago, my old neighbor's son, Nathan (also a S.J. grad) told me about a job with the Anderson's that he turned down, when he stopped into Speedway. I called and immediately could tell that the boss, whom would eventually hire me, really liked what I had to say. He could tell I was hard-working, determined, and really needed the work. So, to cut the story short, I got hired and am slated to begin tonight (on 3rds, sigh :( ). It's much better money than I was making (11.00 an hour vs. 7.50 an hour) and I get weekend nights off (even better, haha). However, a good or bad side (depends on how someone sees it) is that the job is only seasonal and will only last until the beginning or middle of January (depending on snowfall, sales, and other conditions--economy, price, etc.)

I also got a job a few weeks ago with Senior Helpers, LLC. I am not sure when I will start this job, but it is very flexible and it appears that I will be able to work as many or as few shifts as I choose. The job consists of me going to older people's homes and doing some sort of activity with them--be it going to get groceries, running them to the post office, playing poker or shooting pool with them, etc...and the shifts are usually only 3-4 hours at a time. Having said this, there will not be a lot of free time in my schedule. In fact, I may give up my current job at Speedway because I believe that my boss will be hesitant to cut me back to 1 or 2 shifts a week and he may even cut my pay. Again, I got the job through some friends. My good friend Mike's mom called me some 3-4 weeks ago and said I should apply there. Her son's godmother, Joyce, runs the program along with the owner, Bob Hoorman. I turned in some paperwork yesterday to Bob and it appears i'll be starting shortly. Mike's mom even called me yesterday to let me know that I may in fact be running some sort of Nintendo Wii bowling tournament with some seniors. We'll see how that goes.

With all of this said...the decision that is pending is in fact a long term decision that must be made in the next few weeks but will not take effect until at least the beginning of the new year. I am currently sitting on an offer to become an ESL (English as a Second Language) Teacher in South Korea. YES, I said South Korea. It is an important decision which I'm not taking lightly. Also on my plate, is an opportunity with the United States Air Force. I am in the Officer Selection Process right now. I would become a 2nd lieutenant upon my commissioning ceremony, however I wouldn't leave until next September (2009). Additionally, I still have to take the AFOQT to determine if I am even qualified to become an officer. I need to decide real quick what I am going to do. I have already sat on the ESL position for almost 2 weeks and I'm sure Jason (boss at the school in SK) is getting antsy. The job is a 1-year contract at 2.2 Million Won. Now, that may seem like a lot (and it would be if this were a year or 2 ago) but the problem is that the international markets are fluctuating so much right now that its impossible to tell if I will be making around 2,000 a month or 1,500 a month. The Officer job seems like the more prudent and secure job to take. I am leaning towards that route, however, I may just go the enlisted side. I don't know if I have the resources, the finances, or the patience to wait until next September. If that's the case, there may be the possibility that I look again at the Army. They have boards every month (which was my understanding) and they might be able to pay more (pay off all of my student loans) and get me into the Officer school much quicker than the Air Force. If money weren't a factor, I would probably either go teach abroad for a year or still go in the Air Force, enlisted or Officer. There's always the possibility that I just say screw the money and time it will take to become an officer in the Air Force and go straight enlist in the Air Force. After a year I can apply for the Officer commission while i'm active.

These are just my thoughts and random musings about the stuff in my life. Keep me in your prayers that things start turning a corner. Since I moved out of my friend Allen's apartment on the first of September, things with my parents have been very hostile and continue to stay stagnant. Bless all of you.

~Shawn

Amongst pain there can also be great joy...

I actually got this title from another blog I was reading about teaching in Korea.... I am back living at home for the time present. There is great pain in me living back at home. Almost as soon as I moved back home Dino (my step-dad) came at me before work (got a job working at Barney's again, sigh :( ) and said that "[he] didn't want me here". I got the job at Barney's after I left my job at Alliance One, Inc., a debt collection agency I worked at for just 2 weeks because I am desperate for money. I will once again be short on paying my bills in full this month (as I was last month and had to borrow $280 from a close friend of mine). I wish I could say that I believe in the title of this journal.

I've been struggling with stress lately and mental health lately. I don't know how my mom managed to live like she has for so long without breaking down. Honestly, I think i've genetically inherited her tendencies towards not being able to cope with stress well and a predisposition towards mental problems. Ever since I lost my job at David Swesey Florist (well, way before that, but more recently) I have been unable to deal with the stressors of my daily life. I feel the tension well up in my stomach and the acid eating away at my stomach lining. It's only a matter of time before I develop ulcers. I get short on breathing and multiple times (just in the last 2 months) I've felt panic attacks come upon me. Let me give you a demonstration on how intense and often I get these symtoms...when I go home tonight, just the anxiety from having to possibly see my step-father will make me anxious and the feeling in my gut will start up. If I go downstairs to watch television, I have stress that at any moment he will come downstairs and begin a tirade or say that I need to move out shortly. I got stress earlier when my laptop wouldn't start up 3 times in a row when I rebooted it because I felt like I was losing my only outlet to the outside world and my way to cope with all that I have been feeling. I got stress when I found out that I was working only 3 nights (yeah, that's right i'm working third shift and HATE it!) next week (because I need the money) although i'm the one who requested that I only work 3 shifts to start.
In fact, this is the first time in awhile that i've let my guard down enough to talk about everything that i've been feeling. But, let me not fool myself into thinking that i'm actually talking about my problems. There is no shrink in front of me taking notes about what i'm saying and then diagnosing me with severe anxiety disorder. There isn't a wandering ear and calming voice to downplay my problems. The only outlet i'm venting to is a blog no one reads on a computer that might not power up again after I shut this off. Maybe i'm being too dramatic but I need a BIG change in my life now. Wow, there is so much to talk about but i'll try to do more blogging so that I can let more out about my feelings...

Shawn

A Rejuvenation needs to occur for the Chop...

I believe that the journalists are going to be right about the Atlanta Braves, yet again, for a 3rd straight year. After winning an unprecedented 14 consecutive division titles the 2008 National League East Atlanta Braves will falter down the homestretch and not make the playoffs. When writing about this team, it's hard to say one particular thing has gone wrong with this team this year and year(s) past. Rather, this team, much like its predecessors is going through a schzopherenic metamorphoses. On one hand, from top to bottom, this team looks like a playoff-caliber contender. On the other hand, night in and night out they play mediocre baseball and squander great chances. Additionally, the droves of injuries this team has suffered makes them look like a hospital chart. This team is beleagured, tired, and playing sickly baseball.
When the Braves traded for the "crime dog" Fred McGriff, they weren't getting him for a year and a half rental. They wanted the "crime dog" to pay dividends for years to come. However, with a super-agent like Scott Boras terrorizing ballclubs in both leagues, there is almost a 0% chance that the Braves will be able to resign Mark Texeira to a lengthy contract once he hits free agency. I love my team dearly, but if they don't at least got 3 or 4 Class A prospects for him and a mid-level reliever (no, not Will Ohman) before the July 31st Non-Waiver Trade deadline, then they are fools. They are pretenders, not contenders. In a division with 3 playoff-caliber offensively-loaded clubs, the Braves are swimming in a sea of sharks. After they traded away 6 prospects (which is ludacris, since they lost Ron Mahay to free agency this past season), they need some sort of compensation and a chance to reload their farm system. It's time to make like the '97 and '03 Florida Marlins and have a fire sale.
I'm not saying that I want to see players like Chipper Jones, Brian McCann, and Mike Gonzalez traded away for the future 3 or 4 years away but there are so many players on this team with bloated contracts that aren't performing that it's astonishing. Just today (July 27th) versus the Phillies, 4 Braves relievers (Jo-Jo Reyes, Blaine Boyer, Royce Ring, and Buddy Carlyle) squandered a nice 5 run cushion. They gave up a combined 5 homeruns and ruined any chance of the Braves having their first winning road trip of the season (that's a whole other topic in itself). However, Among those who didn't pitch today, notably Mike Hampton, Rafael Soriano, Tom Glavine, and John Smoltz eat up about a third of the payroll and all 4 have been on extended disabled list trips this season. Also, to add to the problems that this year's team has encountered, a seemingly healthy Chipper Jones is headed to the disabled list for the first time this season with a left hamstring injury. In 2004 he injured this same muscle and was on the disabled list for a month to 6 weeks. This is not good news at all. Nor is the fact that while attempting to stop Shane Victorino from scoring, Brian McCann was injured with an apparent head injury. If the Braves lose him for concussive-related syptoms and lose Mark Texeira to free-agency...better look out. This team will be scoring 3 runs or under the rest of the way.
Speaking of injury and underperformance (no, not you Andruw Jones) Mark Kotsay was on the disabled list for a month with back problems (he underwent lower back surgery last year and missed most of the season). Matt Diaz has been on the disabled list since May (and when he was playing he wasn't the same guy from the past 2 seasons). Martin Prado and Omar Infante both went down before and during the season with hand injuries (both have returned and HAVE lived up to expectations as great utility players). John Smoltz and Peter Moylan both succumbed to season-ending arm surgeries. And, last but certainly not least, Jeff Francouer (S.I.'s cover boy captioned 'The Natural' in August 2005) has a below .300 On Base Percentage, a .233 batting average, and according to some scouts has lost the defensive skills and arm strength that have made him a living leading the league the past 2+ seasons in outfield assists.
In the midst of all this, as the author of this blog (journal entry), it is enviably my duty to offer some positive points/solutions for this maligned ball club.
First things first, in reference to management: There is only so much that manager Bobby Cox can do with a subpar, injury-riddled ball club. Upper management (namely John Schuerholz, the former team General Manager and current Team President) needs to step back into his former role or take responsibility for the team's trades/free agent acquisitions. I like Frank Wren as GM, but I feel that John Schuerholz will have much more of an impact in the trade market will all his success. A name can do a lot. Bill Parcells' put his muscle behind the Dolphins (what if Brett Favre decides to join him in Miami?). Mario Lemieux has sacrified life and limb for his Penguins. Nolan Ryan is back in Texas. Michael Jordan made Washington a sports town again. Think what kind of impact a power GM can do with the reins again.
Secondly, the team has lacked a power hitting left fielder for years. It's time to ignite the fans and give them what they want. Going after Jason Bay is the right move, even if you're going to trade Mark Texeira.
Third, what's with signing a bunch of over-the-hill pitchers and trying to ignite some sort of rejuvenation for former Braves alumni. I get bringing Tom Glavine back to the Braves. He was actually a successful pitcher last year while winning his 300th career game. However, trying to bring back Javy Lopez as the backup catcher, Damian Moss as a starter, and bringing in guys like Chris Resop, Julian Tavarez, Brian Lawrence, Corky Miller, Vladimir Nunez, Scott Spiezio, Sal Fasano, and Jason Phillips is certainly not the answer. My case in point...what Freddy Garcia is trying to do with a fastball that barely tops out at 83 MPH will be comical when he showcases his arsenal next month in front of playoff contenders.
Fourth, this team has no definite closer. What Mariano Rivera, Joe Nathan, Francisco Rodriguez, Trevor Hoffman are to their respective clubs, is what John Smoltz used to be. Since he left to resume his starting responsibilities, the team has had more closers than wins. While i'm exaggerating, there is a glaring need for a prototypical ninth inning stopper. Chris Reitsma and Dan Kolb were definitely not the answers. However, there is a guy named Gonzalez whom hasn't blown a save since he first donned the closers' role. Make him over. Build him up. And...finally, shut the door in the ninth inning to every other ball club that comes calling.
Fifth, it's time to get rid of all the payroll to players who aren't pulling their weight. Mike Hampton is what Albert Belle was to the Orioles and Sammy Sosa to the Cubs. They were a nuisance and a financial liability after it was discovered that they had corked their baseball bats. Mike Hampton just pitched his first game in almost 3 years Saturday. Unloading his 120 million dollar 8 year contract after this season is just the first step. It also might be time to say goodbye to Tom Glavine and his 8 million dollar salary and John Smoltz and his 12 million dollar salary. With injuries, these 2 pitchers are seemingly destined to make more money this year (20) than starts (>15).
Sixth, the opposite of the previous answer is to reload the organization with young, up and coming, cheap major league-ready players. Jair Jurrjens is the epitome of this. After the Braves unloaded Edgar Renteria to the Tigers for 2 barely known prospects there was cause for concern. However, Renteria has not lived up to expectations and a man named Jurrjens is 2nd in wins on the ballclub and has been the ONLY member of the starting pitching not to be hurt by the injury bug. Additionally, Yunel Escobar (a cuban defect) has played admirably and filled the giant shoes vacated by the all-star shortstop. There are internal options within the ball club as well. Tommy Hanson (playing for AA-Mississippi) has a no hitter and is their staff ace. Charlie Morton made a subpar first stop at the big leagues but he has the stuff to be a 2nd or 3rd starter on a future big league team (hopefully the Braves). Jorge Campillo has shown that he has the ability to be a major league starter or long reliever. Anthony Lerew made a great first impression on manager Bobby Cox last year winning at Boston versus the Red Sox before his season was ended early because of Tommy John elbow ligament surgery. Along with these choices, a few trades could bring a staff over to the team. Look at what the Reds did when they acquired Edison Volquez from the Rangers for their highly touted Outfielder Josh Hamilton. Although Hamilton leads the majors in Rbi's and is in the top 5 in almost every major offensive statistical category, Volquez is 2nd in the National League in wins and 1st in ERA. I'd rather have great pitching than great hitting any day. Having a great pitcher is like giving a Heisman Trophy winner the ball every down. Having a great hitter means run production but not in every inning.
Finally, without much further ado, it needs to be mentioned that a change in attitude needs to occur from most of the Braves players. I get the sense that there is a lack of comradry in the ball club. The veterans need to focus the young players and the bounty of newbies to this Braves team. There needs to be that extra something for this team to succeed. Why is it that the Yankees and Red Sox fan base always sell out their stadiums? It's because the players love their city and ball club and keep the game of baseball exciting. Also, the Braves need one among them to stand out and put that club on their back. Derek Jeter does that in the Bronx. Big Papi and Manny Ramirez share that role in 'Beantown'. Chipper Jones tries to do that in 'Hotlanta' but the city doesn't seem to reciprocate that hustle and love. It's time someone from that club (or a future Brave) makes that city love their players again. And, in return the club will reward them with another World Series Championship.

this is the post i've been meaning to write for awhile...

I believe the title explains it all. I'm not sure where I even want to start. I guess i'll just start free-flow writing and go from there (although this ping on my computer is driving me nuts). My 26th birthday is less than a month away. And, although I should be ecstatic about being on my own again and having more freedom, there is little to cheer about. I lost ('gave away' would be a better definition) my job at David Swesey Florist over 3 and a half weeks ago. With that said, I have had to have my parents financially bail me out as usual (which has been the norm for over 2 years now). I find myself constantly thinking about what went wrong and why I am continually unhappy. I've literally tried all I physically, financially, and mentally can do to make myself happier but to no avail. My friends, facebook buddies and literally anyone I meet seems to be doing better than me and it continually makes me feel worse and worse. Why can't I get a good job like so many others? I feel like (as Allen put it) "this is [my] cross to bear..." meaning being unhappy, lonely, unsuccessful at so many endeavors I put my mind to. And, no matter what jobs I get, they don't come close to filling the void that is left in my heart and in my life. Citibank, the student loan corporation I borrowed my student loans through calls me literally twice a day, everyday, including Sunday. I already have $1,300 outstanding after my 2nd Forbearance ended in May of this year. There doesn't seem to be a way out of this predicament. Of course, my parents want me to declare bankruptcy in the hope that my debts will be wiped clean. However, I found out that none of my student loans will disappear, rather bankruptcy takes care of old debt. I'm wondering if my $11,000 in credit card debt would be wiped clean even. Right now, as it stands, I have 0.15 cents in my checking. 15 cents? Can you believe that? There is no contingency plan. I've exhausted every outlet possible. I have no savings, a few $50 savings bonds that might have matured, and no one to help me right now except for my parents. Even they have said that they won't pay my student loans. I believe that a far worse problem will arise if this goes much past September...they will cut me off for good. There is only so much love and patience even our parents can deal with us. I'll always be a son to my mom and step-father, but there is no leniency left when it comes to the headache I have caused them. As they have told me, I am making their lives harder, especially at a time when they want to take more vacations, concentrate on my 11 year old half brother Zachary and focus their savings and investments into retirement. For as many squabbles as I've had with them over everything you can think of...they are right thinking that this should no longer be their problem. I am a grown man now, some time removed from adolescence and infancy, yet I cannot solve or counter the problems of adulthood without their help. What is wrong with me?
All of this writing was supposed to lead to me talking about happier memories I had when I was a kid...such as flying with my Uncle Mark over Cedar Point in a little cessna (or warrior); taking trips up to Dino (my step-dad)'s property and camping overnight; living at Lake View Shores apartments...and, literally, just the non-existence of worries that I have now. But, the more I think, the more I concede that these aren't going to negate the problems I have, even reminiscing about them. No redo button in life...no game over, start again button. this pain is so real its almost surreal. I never realized the pain I could inflict upon myself and others. My selfish choices have all led me to this point. These choices have cost me friends (who won't even read this), loved ones, job associates, financially security, my own freedom, my parent's love, and most unassuringly, any love I have for myself. I hate everything about myself.
I wake up everyday, sometimes 1 or 2 in the afternoon and lay in bed...sometimes trying to go back to sleep...sometimes crying, sometimes wishing for a miracle to happen, even wishing for it all to end. I could never hurt or kill myself, but i wish someone else would to take away all the sadness and hopelessness this life has brought to me. I want a big change to happen. I realize that i'm not going to make it happen now, in this life, or with this mentality. I need a change of scenery; a change of attitude. No big corporation is going to hire me now, as I am, as I will be, even if I really put some big effort forth. The military seems to be my only possible choice, at this point. I'm hoping it will instill the discipline, courage, mental fortitude, desire, honor, etc...that I so desperately lack. I don't want to come back here, maybe except to visit once in a great while. I want to hit the delete key...although I know there can never be one. I've thought about after the military either coming back to school here in the states (probably not Ohio) and going to law school, then going to Europe/Asia to practice International Business Law or Africa/3rd-world countries and doing pro-bono work for people whom have no rights whatsoever. Whatever the case may be I want to really make a difference. I want to go down somewhere in the history books...that in the face of adversity, I still tried to do something that was right; that despite my own mental anguish, personal demons I would fight for someone else. It's now been an hour since I began this and I am beginning to feel sick to my stomach. I haven't eaten at all today. This day began much like the others...and again I feel no hope for its existence. Maybe someone will read this and realize the extent of my problems. I'm just throwing a life line out there. Maybe the truth out of this whole message is that those that help themselves is the best form of help...

new place...same confusion

A little update on my life. I've moved into a new apartment with Allen whom I worked with at the distillery last year. He's a pretty cool guy and so far things are good. It's a pretty good and inexpensive living situation which will be beneficial for me this summer. However, I still am overcoming the same obstacles I have been since officially receiving my diploma in December. I'm stuck working for below median income levels. I have no insurance to speak of and my tauras officially is going to shit very quickly. Along with that, my friendships have wained considerably. I don't feel the same connection I had with them for most of high school, during college, and then after. I believe they've changed and so have I. I don't have the same priorities I once did. While Allen has droves of friends here every day, besides Charlie helping me move my box spring I haven't had a single friend or parent come over to see my new digs. The real purpose of my writing today is perhaps a final declaration for my imminent future. I believe that beyond working for the USPS or the TFD, my only option at this point is to go into the Marines. I've not said much to anyone really, except a few months ago when I sincerely thought I was going for sure. Now, it's looking all but inevitable. I'm working for 8.50 an hour now 6 days a week at a florist. However, my student loans are going in repayment again and there's absolutely no way I can pay for them making what I am now. Plus, there's the added problem of having no insurance or putting any money away for retirement. I'm kind of stuck in a bind. Maybe this is a solution for many problems. I know I need to get out of this environment and begin anew...

updates...feeling better about some things

Hey, just wanted to give a little bit of an update for anyone who actually reads this, which is probably 0.5 people. 0.5? well, because I'm probably the only person who actually re-re-reads his own posts several times because it makes him laugh and cringe. I'm taking the Toledo Firefighter exam April 29th at the Seagate Centre. Also I'm filling out an application and putting my resume on the U.S. Border Patrol and Customs website. They are recruiting around Ohio and here in Toledo this Saturday. I'm certain one of these two options will work out well for me. If not, I can fall back on the Marine Corps, as I had originally intended when I went to MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Service center) in December (4 days before Xmas) for the Marine Officer program. As I had stated several times in the past, even I had definitely decided to do the Marines I wouldn't be shipping out to TBS (The Basic School) until sometime in June. I know that date is approaching quick that is why i'm hopeful one of these opportunities comes to fruition instead. It is a scary thought to think that sometime next year at this time I could be across the pond in the Middle East doing some midnight patrol on foreign soil wondering when it could be my time. I guess it beats wondering when the bank and/or Citibank (student loans) is going to come down on me and then my parents for not being able to pay off my debt to them. By the way, I went out with Tracey, Cray, Rehkopf and Steve (he doesn't get called by his last name because I don't know it, haha) last Saturday to Liquid Ultra Lounge (formerly Club Emporium [owned supposedly by a relative of the Murawski's] and we had a great night. We got to take a limousine ride from T-money and Crawdaddy's house to the club and back. Met some hot ladies, danced with a really hot shortie (who asked for my number) and mingled. Only down point is in the commotion when we were running over to Club Eclipse to see if it was jumping I twisted and sprained my ankle. Still kind of hurts, but i'll get through it i'm sure before I have to do anything physically related for the testing for the TFD/Border Patrol/USMC. Thanks T-Money for taking off running. Another brilliant idea you had when you were drunk!

Reconciling my thoughts and feelings about the past 2 years

It really has been an interesting run...2 years have nearly passed since I left college (Miami University of OH) and...it has all led to nowhere. Literally. I haven't done anything with my life since then. I haven't gone to law school like I had planned during senior year (even after taking the LSAT's). I am not a professional businessman either. In fact, right now I am working 2 part time jobs for near-minimum wages. If someone were keeping tally, 'yes, that would be less than I was making nearly all throughout college.' I am so perturbed by this that instead of doing work at my 3rd shift job I am typing this post condoning my behavior and actions. I really hate what I do for a living right now. Probably even worse, I haven't really done anything about it. I have laterally moved from job to bad job to worse job since I pseudo-graduated from Miami in May of '06. How did I know this was in my imminent future? While my friends are preparing for their mid-20's with engagements, promotions, children, homes and vacations, I am preparing for living week to week with my pitiful paychecks, an unsteady dating life, binge drinking on the weekends, promiscuity, unhealthy friendships, and the constant reminder that I still live at home. Don't misunderstand me, however. At one point last year I had, indeed, declared my independence when I moved out of my home of 10+ years and moved in with an unstable woman and her quiet housemate. But, as noted, I moved back home after 5 months after realizing that my unsteady paychecks from the bar would not suffice it when it came time to pay my student loans back. That, and the fact that my psycho homeowner/housemate (I'll just call her "C") accused my friend of 'purposely' letting her dogs of their cages and out of the house.
But, all ranting aside, I've come to the realization that vicariously living some life through someone's successes will not bring me happiness. The best my parents think I can do now is manage some bass pro shop as witnessed by the enthusiasm they embued me to apply there. I know I can do better. That's not the happiness or the contentment I'm looking for. In fact, each passing day, I realize that if I don't do something quick to find the happiness in life that seems so elusive to me now, one day I could just lose it and do something horrible. Maybe worse, I might become some 50-year old man who lives in an 1 bedroom apt who laments about all the 'what-if's' in his life. I know I can become successful, contented, happy, a good husband, father, etc...but, first I need to figure out how to become that such person. With everyone's advice, I feel like i'm forgetting what I really want to be, who i want to become. In 2 years it's gotten easy to do that...

An Excerpt from "How Tucker Max has affected me...Part I"

If you don't know who Tucker Max is...then, shame on you, jk. I actually received a book from a young lady (no names mentioned here for reasons I don't wish to talk about) about Tucker Max and his exploits entitled I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Now, i've only read about 20 or so pages in this interesting 1st person narration of his life but I must say that it has inspired me to talk about my own interesting, yet grotesquely immature and sophomoric exploits and debauchery. While sitting in my bed last night and again sitting in possibly my last college class, I had the notion to write about all the incredibly raucous and hilarious moments in my 5 years of college (yeah victory lap!!!) So, without much further ado, here I go (please bear with me...this could be a long one).
How does one come to terms with the type of person they were before college when that person was so much more conservative, well-rounded, and as my cousin put it at my great-grandmother's funeral "An All-American Guy"? I'm not really sure what happened to that wholesome (some would put it this way, maybe not me) kid from St. John's High School? The same kid who got asked out by his first girlfriend and wouldn't even kiss her for the first 3 months they dated?
I guess it goes all the way back to that point when I had my first girlfriend.... For privacy issues, i'll call my first girlfriend Nicki. Nicki was a very different girlfriend from any girlfriends i've had since her. She was incredibly skinny (to the point that many including her parents thought she had an eating disorder), had weird eating habits (putting 30 or so packets of sweet n low in her ice tea, which she had to have every time we went out), and obsessively worked out at 5:00 A.M. every morning before school...yeah, I would say she had an eating problem. Anyways, before I continue on, I must inform my readership that before I started dating Nicki I committed an atrocious fallacy. I lied. And it wasn't just one of those white lies about how many girlfriends I had before her, or how many girls I had kissed, but one of those ginormous, kick-you-in-the-face lies that can really hurt someone (although, in retrospect most of the people I told didn't think it was that big of a deal).
I met Nicki, for the first time, at St. John's first dance of my junior year of high school. However, I wasn't enrolled at St. John's. In fact, I was there with some of my friends who I had previously gone to school with, but now enrolled in the local public high school. When I danced with Nicki, however, I was so transfixed with her (that any girl would want to dance with me) that I told her I went there (or let her think that I was still going to school at St. John's). She asked for my number and I gave it to her. That might have been for nought if I didn't think she would call. In fact, she did call. And called for many days afterward.
It soon became apparent that we were dating and I would have to tell her the truth. I was a little bitch back then and decided to use my fake identity instead of telling her the truth. "So, big deal," I thought, "I'll be back at St. John's next year anyways and she'll never even know." However, things don't always work out like they do in your head. By the time we had been dating for 2 or 3 months it was becoming increasingly harder to fake my identity. When I would go out with her and my friend(s), I would have to tell them in advance not to mention high school, in any regard, because she would get suspicious of me. At a rather unsuspecting time of what I will continually reference as a "Winny" moment I had to do the aformentioned thing on a larger scale. Nicki and I were at dinner prior to the all-girls academy Christmas Dance. When I noticed that an increasingly large group of St. John's guys from my class had congregated in the front lobby I decided to act fast. I told them all (including 2 brothers who were good friends with my girlfriend) to act as if I was still going to St. John's that year and to act like nothing was out of the ordinary. In retrospect, if I had just shut my mouth and not said anything that night would've been fine (i'm sure) and later Nicki would've never found out the truth. But, the truth inevitably comes out no matter how hard you try to conceal it.